January 4- Declared myself God. Went to local church to ask priest why my donations dropped off the face of the Earth. Told him it was ok, I forgive him, but not to let it happen again.

January 14- Got into arguement with the TV again. Damned thing thinks it's right all the time; so smug! Yelled at it TO PICK ON SOMEONE ITS OWN SIZE, to which it never replied. Didn't think it would.

January 31- Arranged medication in a smiley face. Glued it to my chest. Now I can be happy forever!

February 14- Tormented my ex today. Sent him a box of dead roses and a dead rat (clever, huh?) and wrote a note in blood saying "he was next." Felt bad about the rat, though. He misses me; he knows he does. He's just playing hard to get and no restraining order can keep us apart, for I know that he and I are one....forever. God wills it so.

March 25- Getting close to Easter. I can feel the Easter Bunny loading its ammunition for the Big Day. I'm on to him....he'll be looking for me! Gotta hide! He's good, but I'm better. My dog said so.

April 10- THE BUNNY WAS HERE! LEFT ITS MARK AND EVERYTHING! THE NERVE! You can't fool me...my Mother said it was her but it was HIM, I KNOW it was...I'll set a trap next time. Stew, anyone?

April 30- Drooled all day. You understand me, even though the CIA will use this against me.

May 3- Slept since last entry. Pretended I was a budding flower and covered myself with dirt. Paraded around neighborhood with said dirt and a daisy necklace I made myself out of toilet brush ends. Proud of my creativity. Why are they shaking their heads? Jealous of my Divine Beauty, as usual.

May 17- CIA is sending thought waves again. This time I'm ready...I made a magic helmet with tin foil and paper clips (the design is critical...the paper clips, all 237 of them, MUST trail on the floor...insures good connection) so they can't hear me. Wired the bitchy TV so that I can hear THEM . They must be SO UPSET! HA! Wrote a letter to the President saying that he's an impostor, and I'm the real deal. (Another one that's just jealous of my Power over All!)

June 22- Danced around in my new Wonder Woman pajamas. Made the dog Prime Minister of Atlantis. Decided to eat all green food...need more clorophyll. I'm collecting pencils so that I can build a log cabin for the End of the World, which starts Monday.

July 14- Decided! To! include! exclamation! marks! in! all! correspondence! Looks! like! I! have! something! important! to! say!

July 17- Jehovah's Witnesses came over today. There were two of them...Mrs. Winkle and Mr. Perri...very nice. Even nicer with butter and onion cooked @ 400 degrees. Saved the rest of the meat for the End of the World, which is today. Fresh meat is SO hard to come by these days. Nice that they could stay for a bite. :)

July 20- I'm going to commit suicide on the Internet today. Too depressed to live. The dog called me a loser; the TV (now it has a companion that I purchased from one of the fine local shops) agreed. Even the CIA agreed to, but their opinion is biased. I have it all planned out...gonna set up my camera *sniff* and gargle Draino...*wiping tear* I will miss you, my faithful followers...

July 22- Hi! Just came home from the hospital, did you miss me? Bastards rescued me at the last minute...were you talking to them again? Anyway it was really lovely they gave me a lot of drugs and I got to stare out the window and watch the world I made go by and talk and talk and talk to my new roommate about the fact that I'm God and that I could change him into a butterfly because I can and he got transferred because he said I was crazy and that I'm not God and I argued with him and tore his eyes out with a spork and use them as clackers because I like them and the color and I think I want to sleep now for a while

August 1- Made a shrine to macaroni and cheese today. Looks lovely in the living room. Giggled for two hours. TV said I looked like I could use a V8. Agreed and went to the kitchen. Planned on taking over Guatamala and calling it "Wonderland" for I have decided to be Alice. But who would be the Queen of Hearts? It's always something...maybe my ex could do it...

August 7- Today is my birthday! I know! I know! You didn't think I had one, did you? Assuredly I do! I'm now 2,390 in the Year of Me! Wonderful! Need a virgin for the sacrifice tonight...but where to find one...maybe the supermarket? Frozen foods? Pouted for a long while...I demanded the dog tell me where one was but no answers. Bastard.

August 8- Developed a fear of staple removers. Look at it on my desk...it's WATCHING ME. Waiting for its next move. Hoping I'll make a mistake. If I stay reaaallllll stillll....it...won't...come....after....me....

September 10- School's in again. Followed the local kids and told them how stupid and ugly they were. (It's for their own good, trust me.) One threw a book at me. I threw it back, because I'm better then they are and they know it. They shook their heads and said that I'm crazy! Poor crazy me! I know the truth! School's just teaching them to be better liars about life! Wait til my TV hears about this!

September 15- Heard a knock on my door. Put on my Sacred Pajamas of Invisibility and crept around to see who it was. It was the police again! Goody! I told them (loudly, in my God-like voice) I'M NOT HERE, GO AWAY, OR I'LL CALL THE REAL COPS, but they wouldn't listen. I have a crush on one of the Officer Friendlys...he likes me too. He beat me with his love stick because he knows I like it. It's better than hickeys! Took me to the station. Chained me to the wall...he knows what I like! Decided on magenta for the wedding invitations! Everyone will come, I know they will! I'm gonna be Mrs. Officer Friendly...won't Mom be proud? Tried to kiss him but he headlocked me. Appearances, apparently, are everything. OK, lover...I won't tell if you don't tell. Can't you hear Heaven singing?

September 17-My life is over. Had to cancel the wedding. He left me! Just like that! Said I was delusional. Right! That's not what he said last night! He loves me! I have to convince him! He can't just leave...who does he think he is walking out on the Queen of Heaven? I'll turn him into a toad and eat his legs! I'll turn him into my underwear...then he will be with me always! I like that idea much better. Nothing is too good for my loverbutt...

October 20- Created my own language today. Practiced in the mirror and everything. Made a landing strip for the aliens when they arrive and I can now converse with them in their own toungue. Then I can be President of the Planet Earth. Looks good on a resume, methinks, even though jobs are beneath me. Working is for chumps.

October 31- Made my own spider web out in my backyard out of heavy wiring that I got from the neighbor's pole (they weren't using it, and finders keepers, losers weepers!) and now call myself Asmodia Drodeen, Queen of the Spider People. I can eat flies! The neighbors came over and I entertained them in my sticky web...now they'll never leave me...just like old times. Happy Halloween, Diary! You are my best friend, and Stu (my dog and confidant) said hi too! How nice!

November 26- Went to a turkey farm and told the guy there I was with the Turkey Liberation Front, and LET MY PEOPLE GO! POWER TO THE PEOPLE! Released as many as I could before I was caught...he called the police! Hooray! Now I can ask Officer Friendly if he got my soiled underwear that I know he likes! He misses me! The wedding is back on!!!!

December 16- Can't wait til Christmas! Santa's bringing me a brain this year. I met him at the Mall and that's what he whispered to me, no lie! I can take out my old brain and throw it away. This new brain has many more channels so I won't need my TV anymore. Please don't be upset, TV. I still love you. It just makes it hard to love you when you yell at me and call me names. I keep telling you I don't want to hear it but you don't care. I'm sorry you don't but you have to stop saying those things, or I'll...do something....I don't know what! NOW YOU'VE DONE IT! YOU'VE RUINED EVERYTHING! DAMN YOU! *sniff* I can never forgive you for this...I HATE YOU!

December 25- Christmas! Hooray! Looked under the tree for my new brain. Wait! It's not here! Who took it? TV, did you take it? I NEED IT! NOW! BRING IT BACK RIGHT NOW! DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE, MISTER! ARE YOU JEALOUS, THAT'S WHY YOU TOOK IT? HUH? I WILL GET EVEN! Or maybe I could shop for someone else's...wonder if they have used brains for sale...

December 31- New Year's Eve. The snow looks really nice outside my window. I'm here with my family and I feel so safe. Lady Xanax is sitting on my lap telling me how wonderful I am, and that I've been sooooo good, here, have another one...*loooong sigh* Next year will be different. I promise. I want to have more fun. I want to save the world. Right now I'm watching the snowflakes calling to me to come out and play. Think I will. You have a lovely time, Diary. You are my sunshine.