THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY by Ambrose Bierce

AUTHOR'S PREFACE

"The Devil's Dictionary" was begun in a weekly paper in 1881, and was

continued in a desultory way at long intervals until 1906.  In that year

a large part of it was published in covers with the title "The Cynic's

Word Book", a name which the author had not the power to reject or

happiness to approve.  To quote the publishers of the present work:

"This more reverent title had previously been forced upon him by the

religious scruples of the last newspaper in which a part of the work had

appeared, with the natural consequence that when it came out in covers

the country already had been flooded by its imitators with a score of

'cynic' books -- "The Cynic's This", "The Cynic's That", and "The

Cynic's t'Other".  Most of these books were merely stupid, though some

of them added the distinction of silliness.  Among them, they brought

the word 'cynic' into disfavor so deep that any book bearing it was

discredited in advance of publication."

Meantime, too, some of the enterprising humorists of the country had

helped themselves to such parts of the work as served their needs, and

many of its definitions, anecdotes, phrases and so forth, had become

more or less current in popular speech.  This explanation is made, not

with any pride of priority in trifles, but in simple denial of possible

charges of plagiarism, which is no trifle.  In merely resuming his own

the author hopes to be held guiltless by those to whom the work is

addressed -- enlightened souls who prefer dry wines to sweet, sense to

sentiment, wit to humor and clean English to slang.

A conspicuous, and it is hope not unpleasant, feature of the book is its

abundant illustrative quotations from eminent poets, chief of whom is

that learned and ingenius cleric, Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J., whose

lines bear his initials.  To Father Jape's kindly encouragement and

assistance the author of the prose text is greatly indebted.

A.B.

A

ABASEMENT, n.  A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence of

wealth of power.  Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when addressing

an employer.

ABATIS, n.  Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside

from molesting the rubbish inside.

ABDICATION, n.  An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense of the high

temperature of the throne.

Poor Isabella's Dead, whose abdication Set all tongues wagging in the

Spanish nation. For that performance 'twere unfair to scold her: She

wisely left a throne too hot to hold her. To History she'll be no royal

riddle -- Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle.

G.J.

ABDOMEN, n.  The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, with

sacrificial rights, all true men engage.  From women this ancient faith

commands but a stammering assent.  They sometimes minister at the altar

in a half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverence for the one

deity that men really adore they know not.  If woman had a free hand in

the world's marketing the race would become graminivorous.

ABILITY, n.  The natural equipment to accomplish some small part of the

meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones.  In the last

analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high degree of

solemnity.  Perhaps, however, this impressive quality is rightly

appraised; it is no easy task to be solemn.

ABNORMAL, adj.  Not conforming to standard.  In matters of thought and

conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be

detested.  Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward the

straiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself.

Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and the

hope of Hell.

ABORIGINIES, n.  Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a

newly discovered country.  They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.

ABRACADABRA.

By _Abracadabra_ we signify An infinite number of things. 'Tis the

answer to What? and How? and Why? And Whence? and Whither? -- a word

whereby The Truth (with the comfort it brings) Is open to all who grope

in night, Crying for Wisdom's holy light.

Whether the word is a verb or a noun Is knowledge beyond my reach. I

only know that 'tis handed down. From sage to sage, From age to age --

An immortal part of speech!

Of an ancient man the tale is told That he lived to be ten centuries

old, In a cave on a mountain side. (True, he finally died.) The fame of

his wisdom filled the land, For his head was bald, and you'll understand

His beard was long and white And his eyes uncommonly bright.

Philosophers gathered from far and near To sit at his feat and hear and

hear, Though he never was heard To utter a word But "_Abracadabra,

abracadab_, _Abracada, abracad_, _Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!_" 'Twas all

he had, 'Twas all they wanted to hear, and each Made copious notes of

the mystical speech, Which they published next -- A trickle of text In

the meadow of commentary. Mighty big books were these, In a number, as

leaves of trees; In learning, remarkably -- very!

He's dead, As I said, And the books of the sages have perished, But his

wisdom is sacredly cherished. In _Abracadabra_ it solemnly rings, Like

an ancient bell that forever swings. O, I love to hear That word make

clear Humanity's General Sense of Things.

Jamrach Holobom

ABRIDGE, v.t.  To shorten.

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for people to

abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions of mankind

requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the

separation.

Oliver Cromwell

ABRUPT, adj.  Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon-

shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are most affected

by it.  Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of another author's ideas

that they were "concatenated without abruption."

ABSCOND, v.i.  To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with the property

of another.

Spring beckons!  All things to the call respond; The trees are leaving

and cashiers abscond.

Phela Orm

ABSENT, adj.  Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed;

hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection

of another.

To men a man is but a mind.  Who cares What face he carries or what form

he wears? But woman's body is the woman.  O, Stay thou, my sweetheart,

and do never go, But heed the warning words the sage hath said: A woman

absent is a woman dead.

Jogo Tyree

ABSENTEE, n.  A person with an income who has had the forethought to

remove himself from the sphere of exaction.

ABSOLUTE, adj.  Independent, irresponsible.  An absolute monarchy is one

in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the

assassins.  Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of them having

been replaced by limited monarchies, where the sovereign's power for

evil (and for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics, which are

governed by chance.

ABSTAINER, n.  A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying

himself a pleasure.  A total abstainer is one who abstains from

everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs

of others.

Said a man to a crapulent youth:  "I thought You a total abstainer, my

son." "So I am, so I am," said the scrapgrace caught -- "But not, sir, a

bigoted one."

G.J.

ABSURDITY, n.  A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's

own opinion.

ACADEME, n.  An ancient school where morality and philosophy were

taught.

ACADEMY, n.  [from ACADEME]   A modern school where football is taught.

ACCIDENT, n.  An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable

natural laws.

ACCOMPLICE, n.  One associated with another in a crime, having guilty

knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal, knowing

him guilty.  This view of the attorney's position in the matter has not

hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one having offered them a

fee for assenting.

ACCORD, n.  Harmony.

ACCORDION, n.  An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an

assassin.

ACCOUNTABILITY, n.  The mother of caution.

"My accountability, bear in mind," Said the Grand Vizier:  "Yes, yes,"

Said the Shah:  "I do -- 'tis the only kind Of ability you possess."

Joram Tate

ACCUSE, v.t.  To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a

justification of ourselves for having wronged him.

ACEPHALOUS, adj.  In the surprising condition of the Crusader who

absently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitar had,

unconsciously to him, passed through his neck, as related by de

Joinville.

ACHIEVEMENT, n.  The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.

ACKNOWLEDGE, v.t.  To confess.  Acknowledgement of one another's faults

is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth.

ACQUAINTANCE, n.  A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but

not well enough to lend to.  A degree of friendship called slight when

its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.

ACTUALLY, adv.  Perhaps; possibly.

ADAGE, n.  Boned wisdom for weak teeth.

ADAMANT, n.  A mineral frequently found beneath a corset.  Soluble in

solicitate of gold.

ADDER, n.  A species of snake.  So called from its habit of adding

funeral outlays to the other expenses of living.

ADHERENT, n.  A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects to

get.

ADMINISTRATION, n.  An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to

receive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president.  A man of

straw, proof against bad-egging and dead-catting.

ADMIRAL, n.  That part of a war-ship which does the talking while the

figure-head does the thinking.

ADMIRATION, n.  Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to

ourselves.

ADMONITION, n.  Gentle reproof, as with a meat-axe.  Friendly warning.

Consigned by way of admonition, His soul forever to perdition.

Judibras

ADORE, v.t.  To venerate expectantly.

ADVICE, n.  The smallest current coin.

"The man was in such deep distress," Said Tom, "that I could do no less

Than give him good advice."  Said Jim: "If less could have been done for

him I know you well enough, my son, To know that's what you would have

done."

Jebel Jocordy

AFFIANCED, pp.  Fitted with an ankle-ring for the ball-and-chain.

AFFLICTION, n.  An acclimatizing process preparing the soul for another

and bitter world.

AFRICAN, n.  A nigger that votes our way.

AGE, n.  That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we

still cherish by reviling those that we have no longer the enterprise to

commit.

AGITATOR, n.  A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors --

to dislodge the worms.

AIM, n.  The task we set our wishes to. "Cheer up!  Have you no aim in

life?" She tenderly inquired. "An aim?  Well, no, I haven't, wife; The

fact is -- I have fired."

G.J.

AIR, n.  A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for

the fattening of the poor.

ALDERMAN, n.  An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving with

a pretence of open marauding.

ALIEN, n.  An American sovereign in his probationary state.

ALLAH, n.  The Mahometan Supreme Being, as distinguished from the

Christian, Jewish, and so forth.

Allah's good laws I faithfully have kept, And ever for the sins of man

have wept; And sometimes kneeling in the temple I Have reverently

crossed my hands and slept.

Junker Barlow

ALLEGIANCE, n.

This thing Allegiance, as I suppose, Is a ring fitted in the subject's

nose, Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed To smell the sweetness

of the Lord's anointed.

G.J.

ALLIANCE, n.  In international politics, the union of two thieves who

have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they

cannot separately plunder a third.

ALLIGATOR, n.  The crocodile of America, superior in every detail to the

crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World.  Herodotus says the

Indus is, with one exception, the only river that produces crocodiles,

but they appear to have gone West and grown up with the other rivers. 

From the notches on his back the alligator is called a sawrian.

ALONE, adj.  In bad company.

In contact, lo! the flint and steel, By spark and flame, the thought

reveal That he the metal, she the stone, Had cherished secretly alone.

Booley Fito

ALTAR, n.  The place whereupon the priest formerly raveled out the small

intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divination and

cooked its flesh for the gods.  The word is now seldom used, except with

reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by a male and a

female tool.

They stood before the altar and supplied The fire themselves in which

their fat was fried. In vain the sacrifice! -- no god will claim An

offering burnt with an unholy flame.

M.P. Nopput

AMBIDEXTROUS, adj.  Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or

a left.

AMBITION, n.  An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while

living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.

AMNESTY, n.  The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be

too expensive to punish.

ANOINT, v.t.  To grease a king or other great functionary already

sufficiently slippery.

As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood, So pigs to lead the

populace are greased good.

Judibras

ANTIPATHY, n.  The sentiment inspired by one's friend's friend.

APHORISM, n.  Predigested wisdom.

The flabby wine-skin of his brain Yields to some pathologic strain, And

voids from its unstored abysm The driblet of an aphorism.

"The Mad Philosopher," 1697

APOLOGIZE, v.i.  To lay the foundation for a future offence.

APOSTATE, n.  A leech who, having penetrated the shell of a turtle only

to find that the creature has long been dead, deems it expedient to form

a new attachment to a fresh turtle.

APOTHECARY, n.  The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor and

grave worm's provider.

When Jove sent blessings to all men that are, And Mercury conveyed them

in a jar, That friend of tricksters introduced by stealth Disease for

the apothecary's health, Whose gratitude impelled him to proclaim: "My

deadliest drug shall bear my patron's name!"

G.J.

APPEAL, v.t.  In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.

APPETITE, n.  An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a

solution to the labor question.

APPLAUSE, n.  The echo of a platitude.

APRIL FOOL, n.  The March fool with another month added to his folly.

ARCHBISHOP, n.  An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a

bishop.

If I were a jolly archbishop, On Fridays I'd eat all the fish up --

Salmon and flounders and smelts; On other days everything else.

Jodo Rem

ARCHITECT, n.  One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of

your money.

ARDOR, n.  The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.

ARENA, n.  In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in which the statesman

wrestles with his record.

ARISTOCRACY, n.  Government by the best men.  (In this sense the word is

obsolete; so is that kind of government.)  Fellows that wear downy hats

and clean shirts -- guilty of education and suspected of bank accounts.

ARMOR, n.  The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a

blacksmith.

ARRAYED, pp.  Drawn up and given an orderly disposition, as a rioter

hanged to a lamppost.

ARREST, v.t.  Formally to detain one accused of unusualness.

God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.

_The Unauthorized Version_

ARSENIC, n.  A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom it

greatly affects in turn.

"Eat arsenic?  Yes, all you get," Consenting, he did speak up; "'Tis

better you should eat it, pet, Than put it in my teacup."

Joel Huck

ART, n.  This word has no definition.  Its origin is related as follows

by the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J.

One day a wag -- what would the wretch be at? -- Shifted a letter of the

cipher RAT, And said it was a god's name!  Straight arose Fantastic

priests and postulants (with shows, And mysteries, and mummeries, and

hymns, And disputations dire that lamed their limbs) To serve his temple

and maintain the fires, Expound the law, manipulate the wires. Amazed,

the populace that rites attend, Believe whate'er they cannot comprehend,

And, inly edified to learn that two Half-hairs joined so and so (as Art

can do) Have sweeter values and a grace more fit Than Nature's hairs

that never have been split, Bring cates and wines for sacrificial

feasts, And sell their garments to support the priests.

ARTLESSNESS, n.  A certain engaging quality to which women attain by

long study and severe practice upon the admiring male, who is pleased to

fancy it resembles the candid simplicity of his young.

ASPERSE, v.t.  Maliciously to ascribe to another vicious actions which

one has not had the temptation and opportunity to commit.

ASS, n.  A public singer with a good voice but no ear.  In Virginia

City, Nevada, he is called the Washoe Canary, in Dakota, the Senator,

and everywhere the Donkey.  The animal is widely and variously

celebrated in the literature, art and religion of every age and country;

no other so engages and fires the human imagination as this noble

vertebrate.  Indeed, it is doubted by some (Ramasilus, _lib. II., De

Clem._, and C. Stantatus, _De Temperamente_) if it is not a god; and as

such we know it was worshiped by the Etruscans, and, if we may believe

Macrobious, by the Cupasians also.  Of the only two animals admitted

into the Mahometan Paradise along with the souls of men, the ass that

carried Balaam is one, the dog of the Seven Sleepers the other.  This is

no small distinction.  From what has been written about this beast might

be compiled a library of great splendor and magnitude, rivalling that of

the Shakespearean cult, and that which clusters about the Bible.  It may

be said, generally, that all literature is more or less Asinine.

"Hail, holy Ass!" the quiring angels sing; "Priest of Unreason, and of

Discords King!" Great co-Creator, let Thy glory shine: God made all

else, the Mule, the Mule is thine!"

G.J.

AUCTIONEER, n.  The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a

pocket with his tongue.

AUSTRALIA, n.  A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and

commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate

dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island.

AVERNUS, n.  The lake by which the ancients entered the infernal

regions.  The fact that access to the infernal regions was obtained by a

lake is believed by the learned Marcus Ansello Scrutator to have

suggested the Christian rite of baptism by immersion.  This, however,

has been shown by Lactantius to be an error.

_Facilis descensus Averni,_ The poet remarks; and the sense Of it is

that when down-hill I turn I Will get more of punches than pence.

Jehal Dai Lupe

B

BAAL, n.  An old deity formerly much worshiped under various names. As

Baal he was popular with the Phoenicians; as Belus or Bel he had the

honor to be served by the priest Berosus, who wrote the famous account

of the Deluge; as Babel he had a tower partly erected to his glory on

the Plain of Shinar.  From Babel comes our English word "babble."  Under

whatever name worshiped, Baal is the Sun-god.  As Beelzebub he is the

god of flies, which are begotten of the sun's rays on the stagnant

water.  In Physicia Baal is still worshiped as Bolus, and as Belly he is

adored and served with abundant sacrifice by the priests of Guttledom.

BABE or BABY, n.  A misshapen creature of no particular age, sex, or

condition, chiefly remarkable for the violence of the sympathies and

antipathies it excites in others, itself without sentiment or emotion.

There have been famous babes; for example, little Moses, from whose

adventure in the bulrushes the Egyptian hierophants of seven centuries

before doubtless derived their idle tale of the child Osiris being

preserved on a floating lotus leaf.

Ere babes were invented The girls were contended. Now man is tormented

Until to buy babes he has squandered His money.  And so I have pondered

This thing, and thought may be 'T were better that Baby The First had

been eagled or condored.

Ro Amil

BACCHUS, n.  A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse

for getting drunk.

Is public worship, then, a sin, That for devotions paid to Bacchus The

lictors dare to run us in, And resolutely thump and whack us?

Jorace

BACK, n.  That part of your friend which it is your privilege to

contemplate in your adversity.

BACKBITE, v.t.  To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find

you.

BAIT, n.  A preparation that renders the hook more palatable.  The best

kind is beauty.

BAPTISM, n.  A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself in

heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever.  It is

performed with water in two ways -- by immersion, or plunging, and by

aspersion, or sprinkling.

But whether the plan of immersion Is better than simple aspersion Let

those immersed And those aspersed Decide by the Authorized Version, And

by matching their agues tertian.

G.J.

BAROMETER, n.  An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of

weather we are having.

BARRACK, n.  A house in which soldiers enjoy a portion of that of which

it is their business to deprive others.

BASILISK, n.  The cockatrice.  A sort of serpent hatched form the egg of

a cock.  The basilisk had a bad eye, and its glance was fatal. Many

infidels deny this creature's existence, but Semprello Aurator saw and

handled one that had been blinded by lightning as a punishment for

having fatally gazed on a lady of rank whom Jupiter loved.  Juno

afterward restored the reptile's sight and hid it in a cave.  Nothing is

so well attested by the ancients as the existence of the basilisk, but

the cocks have stopped laying.

BASTINADO, n.  The act of walking on wood without exertion.

BATH, n.  A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship,

with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined.

The man who taketh a steam bath He loseth all the skin he hath, And, for

he's boiled a brilliant red, Thinketh to cleanliness he's wed,

Forgetting that his lungs he's soiling With dirty vapors of the boiling.

Richard Gwow

BATTLE, n.  A method of untying with the teeth of a political knot that

would not yield to the tongue.

BEARD, n.  The hair that is commonly cut off by those who justly

execrate the absurd Chinese custom of shaving the head.

BEAUTY, n.  The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a

husband.

BEFRIEND, v.t.  To make an ingrate.

BEG, v.  To ask for something with an earnestness proportioned to the

belief that it will not be given.

Who is that, father? A mendicant, child, Haggard, morose, and unaffable

-- wild! See how he glares through the bars of his cell! With Citizen

Mendicant all is not well.

Why did they put him there, father?

Because Obeying his belly he struck at the laws.

His belly?

Oh, well, he was starving, my boy -- A state in which, doubtless,

there's little of joy. No bite had he eaten for days, and his cry Was

"Bread!" ever "Bread!"

What's the matter with pie?

With little to wear, he had nothing to sell; To beg was unlawful --

improper as well.

Why didn't he work?

He would even have done that, But men said:  "Get out!" and the State

remarked:  "Scat!" I mention these incidents merely to show That the

vengeance he took was uncommonly low. Revenge, at the best, is the act

of a Siou, But for trifles --

Pray what did bad Mendicant do?

Stole two loaves of bread to replenish his lack And tuck out the belly

that clung to his back.

Is that _all_ father dear?

There's little to tell: They sent him to jail, and they'll send him to

-- well, The company's better than here we can boast, And there's --

Bread for the needy, dear father?

Um -- toast.

Atka Mip

BEGGAR, n.  One who has relied on the assistance of his friends.

BEHAVIOR, n.  Conduct, as determined, not by principle, but by breeding. 

The word seems to be somewhat loosely used in Dr. Jamrach Holobom's

translation of the following lines from the _Dies Irae_:

Recordare, Jesu pie, Quod sum causa tuae viae. Ne me perdas illa die.

Pray remember, sacred Savior, Whose the thoughtless hand that gave your

Death-blow.  Pardon such behavior.

BELLADONNA, n.  In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. 

A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.

BENEDICTINES, n.  An order of monks otherwise known as black friars.

She thought it a crow, but it turn out to be A monk of St. Benedict

croaking a text. "Here's one of an order of cooks," said she -- "Black

friars in this world, fried black in the next."

"The Devil on Earth" (London, 1712)

BENEFACTOR, n.  One who makes heavy purchases of ingratitude, without,

however, materially affecting the price, which is still within the means

of all.

BERENICE'S HAIR, n.  A constellation (_Coma Berenices_) named in honor

of one who sacrificed her hair to save her husband.

Her locks an ancient lady gave Her loving husband's life to save; And

men -- they honored so the dame -- Upon some stars bestowed her name.

But to our modern married fair, Who'd give their lords to save their

hair, No stellar recognition's given. There are not stars enough in

heaven.

G.J.

BIGAMY, n.  A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will

adjudge a punishment called trigamy.

BIGOT, n.  One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion

that you do not entertain.

BILLINGSGATE, n.  The invective of an opponent.

BIRTH, n.  The first and direst of all disasters.  As to the nature of

it there appears to be no uniformity.  Castor and Pollux were born from

the egg.  Pallas came out of a skull.  Galatea was once a block of

stone.  Peresilis, who wrote in the tenth century, avers that he grew up

out of the ground where a priest had spilled holy water.  It is known

that Arimaxus was derived from a hole in the earth, made by a stroke of

lightning.  Leucomedon was the son of a cavern in Mount Aetna, and I

have myself seen a man come out of a wine cellar.

BLACKGUARD, n.  A man whose qualities, prepared for display like a box

of berries in a market -- the fine ones on top -- have been opened on

the wrong side.  An inverted gentleman.

BLANK-VERSE, n.  Unrhymed iambic pentameters -- the most difficult kind

of English verse to write acceptably; a kind, therefore, much affected

by those who cannot acceptably write any kind.

BODY-SNATCHER, n.  A robber of grave-worms.  One who supplies the young

physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied the

undertaker.  The hyena.

"One night," a doctor said, "last fall, I and my comrades, four in all,

When visiting a graveyard stood Within the shadow of a wall.

"While waiting for the moon to sink We saw a wild hyena slink About a

new-made grave, and then Begin to excavate its brink!

"Shocked by the horrid act, we made A sally from our ambuscade, And,

falling on the unholy beast, Dispatched him with a pick and spade."

Bettel K. Jhones

BONDSMAN, n.  A fool who, having property of his own, undertakes to

become responsible for that entrusted to another to a third.

Philippe of Orleans wishing to appoint one of his favorites, a dissolute

nobleman, to a high office, asked him what security he would be able to

give.  "I need no bondsmen," he replied, "for I can give you my word of

honor."  "And pray what may be the value of that?" inquired the amused

Regent.  "Monsieur, it is worth its weight in gold."

BORE, n.  A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

BOTANY, n.  The science of vegetables -- those that are not good to eat,

as well as those that are.  It deals largely with their flowers, which

are commonly badly designed, inartistic in color, and ill- smelling.

BOTTLE-NOSED, adj.  Having a nose created in the image of its maker.

BOUNDARY, n.  In political geography, an imaginary line between two

nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary

rights of the other.

BOUNTY, n.  The liberality of one who has much, in permitting one who

has nothing to get all that he can.

A single swallow, it is said, devours ten millions of insects every

year.  The supplying of these insects I take to be a signal instance of

the Creator's bounty in providing for the lives of His creatures.

Henry Ward Beecher

BRAHMA, n.  He who created the Hindoos, who are preserved by Vishnu and

destroyed by Siva -- a rather neater division of labor than is found

among the deities of some other nations.  The Abracadabranese, for

example, are created by Sin, maintained by Theft and destroyed by Folly. 

The priests of Brahma, like those of Abracadabranese, are holy and

learned men who are never naughty.

O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity, First Person of the Hindoo Trinity,

You sit there so calm and securely, With feet folded up so demurely --

You're the First Person Singular, surely.

Polydore Smith

BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think what we think.  That which

distinguishes the man who is content to _be_ something from the man who

wishes to _do_ something.  A man of great wealth, or one who has been

pitchforked into high station, has commonly such a headful of brain that

his neighbors cannot keep their hats on.  In our civilization, and under

our republican form of government, brain is so highly honored that it is

rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

BRANDY, n.  A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one

part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the-

grave and four parts clarified Satan.  Dose, a headful all the time.

Brandy is said by Dr. Johnson to be the drink of heroes.  Only a hero

will venture to drink it.

BRIDE, n.  A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

BRUTE, n.  See HUSBAND.

C

CAABA, n.  A large stone presented by the archangel Gabriel to the

patriarch Abraham, and preserved at Mecca.  The patriarch had perhaps

asked the archangel for bread.

CABBAGE, n.  A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise

as a man's head. The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a prince who on

ascending the throne issued a decree appointing a High Council of Empire

consisting of the members of his predecessor's Ministry and the cabbages

in the royal garden.  When any of his Majesty's measures of state policy

miscarried conspicuously it was gravely announced that several members

of the High Council had been beheaded, and his murmuring subjects were

appeased.

CALAMITY, n.  A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that

the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering.  Calamities are of

two kinds:  misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

CALLOUS, adj.  Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting

another. When Zeno was told that one of his enemies was no more he was

observed to be deeply moved.  "What!" said one of his disciples, "you

weep at the death of an enemy?"  "Ah, 'tis true," replied the great

Stoic; "but you should see me smile at the death of a friend."

CALUMNUS, n.  A graduate of the School for Scandal.

CAMEL, n.  A quadruped (the _Splaypes humpidorsus_) of great value to

the show business.  There are two kinds of camels -- the camel proper

and the camel improper.  It is the latter that is always exhibited.

CANNIBAL, n.  A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simple

tastes and adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period.

CANNON, n.  An instrument employed in the rectification of national

boundaries.

CANONICALS, n.  The motley worm by Jesters of the Court of Heaven.

CAPITAL, n.  The seat of misgovernment.  That which provides the fire,

the pot, the dinner, the table and the knife and fork for the anarchist;

the part of the repast that himself supplies is the disgrace before

meat.  _Capital Punishment_, a penalty regarding the justice and

expediency of which many worthy persons -- including all the assassins

-- entertain grave misgivings.

CARMELITE, n.  A mendicant friar of the order of Mount Carmel.

As Death was a-rising out one day, Across Mount Camel he took his way,

Where he met a mendicant monk, Some three or four quarters drunk, With a

holy leer and a pious grin, Ragged and fat and as saucy as sin, Who held

out his hands and cried: "Give, give in Charity's name, I pray. Give in

the name of the Church.  O give, Give that her holy sons may live!" And

Death replied, Smiling long and wide: "I'll give, holy father, I'll give

thee -- a ride."

With a rattle and bang Of his bones, he sprang From his famous Pale

Horse, with his spear; By the neck and the foot Seized the fellow, and

put Him astride with his face to the rear.

The Monarch laughed loud with a sound that fell Like clods on the

coffin's sounding shell: "Ho, ho!  A beggar on horseback, they say, Will

ride to the devil!" -- and _thump_ Fell the flat of his dart on the rump

Of the charger, which galloped away.

Faster and faster and faster it flew, Till the rocks and the flocks and

the trees that grew By the road were dim and blended and blue To the

wild, wild eyes Of the rider -- in size Resembling a couple of

blackberry pies. Death laughed again, as a tomb might laugh At a burial

service spoiled, And the mourners' intentions foiled By the body

erecting Its head and objecting To further proceedings in its behalf.

Many a year and many a day Have passed since these events away. The monk

has long been a dusty corse, And Death has never recovered his horse.

For the friar got hold of its tail, And steered it within the pale Of

the monastery gray, Where the beast was stabled and fed With barley and

oil and bread Till fatter it grew than the fattest friar, And so in due

course was appointed Prior.

G.J.

CARNIVOROUS, adj.  Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous

vegetarian, his heirs and assigns.

CARTESIAN, adj.  Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author of

the celebrated dictum, _Cogito ergo sum_ -- whereby he was pleased to

suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence.  The dictum

might be improved, however, thus:  _Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum_ -- "I

think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach

to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.

CAT, n.  A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be

kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.

This is a dog, This is a cat. This is a frog, This is a rat. Run, dog,

mew, cat. Jump, frog, gnaw, rat.

Elevenson

CAVILER, n.  A critic of our own work.

CEMETERY, n.  An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies, poets

write at a target and stone-cutters spell for a wager.  The inscriptions

following will serve to illustrate the success attained in these

Olympian games:

His virtues were so conspicuous that his enemies, unable to overlook

them, denied them, and his friends, to whose loose lives they were a

rebuke, represented them as vices.  They are here commemorated by his

family, who shared them. In the earth we here prepare a Place to lay our

little Clara.

Thomas M. and Mary Frazer

P.S. -- Gabriel will raise her.

CENTAUR, n.  One of a race of persons who lived before the division of

labor had been carried to such a pitch of differentiation, and who

followed the primitive economic maxim, "Every man his own horse."  The

best of the lot was Chiron, who to the wisdom and virtues of the horse

added the fleetness of man.  The scripture story of the head of John the

Baptist on a charger shows that pagan myths have somewhat sophisticated

sacred history.

CERBERUS, n.  The watch-dog of Hades, whose duty it was to guard the

entrance -- against whom or what does not clearly appear; everybody,

sooner or later, had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry off the

entrance.  Cerberus is known to have had three heads, and some of the

poets have credited him with as many as a hundred.  Professor Graybill,

whose clerky erudition and profound knowledge of Greek give his opinion

great weight, has averaged all the estimates, and makes the number

twenty-seven -- a judgment that would be entirely conclusive is

Professor Graybill had known (a) something about dogs, and (b) something

about arithmetic.

CHILDHOOD, n.  The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy

of infancy and the folly of youth -- two removes from the sin of manhood

and three from the remorse of age.

CHRISTIAN, n.  One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely

inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.

One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not

inconsistent with a life of sin.

I dreamed I stood upon a hill, and, lo! The godly multitudes walked to

and fro Beneath, in Sabbath garments fitly clad, With pious mien,

appropriately sad, While all the church bells made a solemn din -- A

fire-alarm to those who lived in sin. Then saw I gazing thoughtfully

below, With tranquil face, upon that holy show A tall, spare figure in a

robe of white, Whose eyes diffused a melancholy light. "God keep you,

strange," I exclaimed.  "You are No doubt (your habit shows it) from

afar; And yet I entertain the hope that you, Like these good people, are

a Christian too." He raised his eyes and with a look so stern It made me

with a thousand blushes burn Replied -- his manner with disdain was

spiced: "What!  I a Christian?  No, indeed!  I'm Christ."

G.J.

CIRCUS, n.  A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to

see men, women and children acting the fool.

CLAIRVOYANT, n.  A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing

that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead.

CLARIONET, n.  An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton

in his ears.  There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet

-- two clarionets.

CLERGYMAN, n.  A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual

affairs as a method of better his temporal ones.

CLIO, n.  One of the nine Muses.  Clio's function was to preside over

history -- which she did with great dignity, many of the prominent

citizens of Athens occupying seats on the platform, the meetings being

addressed by Messrs. Xenophon, Herodotus and other popular speakers.

CLOCK, n.  A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern

for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.

A busy man complained one day: "I get no time!"  "What's that you say?"

Cried out his friend, a lazy quiz; "You have, sir, all the time there

is. There's plenty, too, and don't you doubt it -- We're never for an

hour without it."

Purzil Crofe

CLOSE-FISTED, adj.  Unduly desirous of keeping that which many

meritorious persons wish to obtain.

"Close-fisted Scotchman!" Johnson cried To thrifty J. Macpherson; "See

me -- I'm ready to divide With any worthy person." Sad Jamie:  "That is

very true -- The boast requires no backing; And all are worthy, sir, to

you, Who have what you are lacking."

Anita M. Bobe

COENOBITE, n.  A man who piously shuts himself up to meditate upon the

sin of wickedness; and to keep it fresh in his mind joins a brotherhood

of awful examples.

O Coenobite, O coenobite, Monastical gregarian, You differ from the

anchorite, That solitudinarian: With vollied prayers you wound Old Nick;

With dropping shots he makes him sick.

Quincy Giles

COMFORT, n.  A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's

uneasiness.

COMMENDATION, n.  The tribute that we pay to achievements that

resembles, but do not equal, our own.

COMMERCE, n.  A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods

of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to

E.

COMMONWEALTH, n.  An administrative entity operated by an incalculable

multitude of political parasites, logically active but fortuitously

efficient.

This commonwealth's capitol's corridors view, So thronged with a hungry

and indolent crew Of clerks, pages, porters and all attaches Whom

rascals appoint and the populace pays That a cat cannot slip through the

thicket of shins Nor hear its own shriek for the noise of their chins.

On clerks and on pages, and porters, and all, Misfortune attend and

disaster befall! May life be to them a succession of hurts; May fleas by

the bushel inhabit their shirts; May aches and diseases encamp in their

bones, Their lungs full of tubercles, bladders of stones; May microbes,

bacilli, their tissues infest, And tapeworms securely their bowels

digest; May corn-cobs be snared without hope in their hair, And frequent

impalement their pleasure impair. Disturbed be their dreams by the awful

discourse Of audible sofas sepulchrally hoarse, By chairs acrobatic and

wavering floors -- The mattress that kicks and the pillow that snores!

Sons of cupidity, cradled in sin! Your criminal ranks may the death

angel thin, Avenging the friend whom I couldn't work in.

K.Q.

COMPROMISE, n.  Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives

each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not

to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due.

COMPULSION, n.  The eloquence of power.

CONDOLE, v.i.  To show that bereavement is a smaller evil than sympathy.

CONFIDANT, CONFIDANTE, n.  One entrusted by A with the secrets of B,

confided by _him_ to C.

CONGRATULATION, n.  The civility of envy.

CONGRESS, n.  A body of men who meet to repeal laws.

CONNOISSEUR, n.  A specialist who knows everything about something and

nothing about anything else. An old wine-bibber having been smashed in a

railway collision, some wine was pouted on his lips to revive him. 

"Pauillac, 1873," he murmured and died.

CONSERVATIVE, n.  A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as

distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.

CONSOLATION, n.  The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate

than yourself.

CONSUL, n.  In American politics, a person who having failed to secure

and office from the people is given one by the Administration on

condition that he leave the country.

CONSULT, v.i.  To seek another's disapproval of a course already decided

on.

CONTEMPT, n.  The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too

formidable safely to be opposed.

CONTROVERSY, n.  A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the injurious

cannon-ball and the inconsiderate bayonet.

In controversy with the facile tongue -- That bloodless warfare of the

old and young -- So seek your adversary to engage That on himself he

shall exhaust his rage, And, like a snake that's fastened to the ground,

With his own fangs inflict the fatal wound. You ask me how this miracle

is done? Adopt his own opinions, one by one, And taunt him to refute

them; in his wrath He'll sweep them pitilessly from his path. Advance

then gently all you wish to prove, Each proposition prefaced with, "As

you've So well remarked," or, "As you wisely say, And I cannot dispute,"

or, "By the way, This view of it which, better far expressed, Runs

through your argument."  Then leave the rest To him, secure that he'll

perform his trust And prove your views intelligent and just.

Conmore Apel Brune

CONVENT, n.  A place of retirement for woman who wish for leisure to

meditate upon the vice of idleness.

CONVERSATION, n.  A fair to the display of the minor mental commodities,

each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to

observe those of his neighbor.

CORONATION, n.  The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward

and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a

dynamite bomb.

CORPORAL, n.  A man who occupies the lowest rung of the military ladder.

Fiercely the battle raged and, sad to tell, Our corporal heroically

fell! Fame from her height looked down upon the brawl And said:  "He

hadn't very far to fall."

Giacomo Smith

CORPORATION, n.  An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit

without individual responsibility.

CORSAIR, n.  A politician of the seas.

COURT FOOL, n.  The plaintiff.

COWARD, n.  One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.

CRAYFISH, n.  A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but

less indigestible.

In this small fish I take it that human wisdom is admirably figured and

symbolized; for whereas the crayfish doth move only backward, and can

have only retrospection, seeing naught but the perils already passed, so

the wisdom of man doth not enable him to avoid the follies that beset

his course, but only to apprehend their nature afterward.

Sir James Merivale

CREDITOR, n.  One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial

Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions.

CREMONA, n.  A high-priced violin made in Connecticut.

CRITIC, n.  A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody

tries to please him.

There is a land of pure delight, Beyond the Jordan's flood, Where

saints, apparelled all in white, Fling back the critic's mud.

And as he legs it through the skies, His pelt a sable hue, He sorrows

sore to recognize The missiles that he threw.

Orrin Goof

CROSS, n.  An ancient religious symbol erroneously supposed to owe its

significance to the most solemn event in the history of Christianity,

but really antedating it by thousands of years.  By many it has been

believed to be identical with the _crux ansata_ of the ancient phallic

worship, but it has been traced even beyond all that we know of that, to

the rites of primitive peoples.  We have to-day the White Cross as a

symbol of chastity, and the Red Cross as a badge of benevolent

neutrality in war.  Having in mind the former, the reverend Father

Gassalasca Jape smites the lyre to the effect following:

"Be good, be good!" the sisterhood Cry out in holy chorus, And, to

dissuade from sin, parade Their various charms before us.

But why, O why, has ne'er an eye Seen her of winsome manner And youthful

grace and pretty face Flaunting the White Cross banner?

Now where's the need of speech and screed To better our behaving? A

simpler plan for saving man (But, first, is he worth saving?)

Is, dears, when he declines to flee From bad thoughts that beset him,

Ignores the Law as 't were a straw, And wants to sin -- don't let him.

CUI BONO?  [Latin]  What good would that do _me_?

CUNNING, n.  The faculty that distinguishes a weak animal or person from

a strong one.  It brings its possessor much mental satisfaction and

great material adversity.  An Italian proverb says:  "The furrier gets

the skins of more foxes than asses."

CUPID, n.  The so-called god of love.  This bastard creation of a

barbarous fancy was no doubt inflicted upon mythology for the sins of

its deities.  Of all unbeautiful and inappropriate conceptions this is

the most reasonless and offensive.  The notion of symbolizing sexual

love by a semisexless babe, and comparing the pains of passion to the

wounds of an arrow -- of introducing this pudgy homunculus into art

grossly to materialize the subtle spirit and suggestion of the work --

this is eminently worthy of the age that, giving it birth, laid it on

the doorstep of prosperity.

CURIOSITY, n.  An objectionable quality of the female mind.  The desire

to know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is one of the

most active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul.

CURSE, v.t.  Energetically to belabor with a verbal slap-stick.  This is

an operation which in literature, particularly in the drama, is commonly

fatal to the victim.  Nevertheless, the liability to a cursing is a risk

that cuts but a small figure in fixing the rates of life insurance.

CYNIC, n.  A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not

as they ought to be.  Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking

out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.

D

DAMN, v.  A word formerly much used by the Paphlagonians, the meaning of

which is lost.  By the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak it is believed to have

been a term of satisfaction, implying the highest possible degree of

mental tranquillity.  Professor Groke, on the contrary, thinks it

expressed an emotion of tumultuous delight, because it so frequently

occurs in combination with the word _jod_ or _god_, meaning "joy."  It

would be with great diffidence that I should advance an opinion

conflicting with that of either of these formidable authorities.

DANCE, v.i.  To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably

with arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter.  There are many kinds

of dances, but all those requiring the participation of the two sexes

have two characteristics in common:  they are conspicuously innocent,

and warmly loved by the vicious.

DANGER, n.

A savage beast which, when it sleeps, Man girds at and despises, But

takes himself away by leaps And bounds when it arises.

Ambat Delaso

DARING, n.  One of the most conspicuous qualities of a man in security.

DATARY, n.  A high ecclesiastic official of the Roman Catholic Church,

whose important function is to brand the Pope's bulls with the words

_Datum Romae_.  He enjoys a princely revenue and the friendship of God.

DAWN, n.  The time when men of reason go to bed.  Certain old men prefer

to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an

empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh.  They then point with

pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe

years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of

their habits, but in spite of them.  The reason we find only robust

persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have

tried it.

DAY, n.  A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.  This period is

divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day improper --

the former devoted to sins of business, the latter consecrated to the

other sort.  These two kinds of social activity overlap.

DEAD, adj.

Done with the work of breathing; done With all the world; the mad race

run Though to the end; the golden goal Attained and found to be a hole!

Squatol Johnes

DEBAUCHEE, n.  One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has had

the misfortune to overtake it.

DEBT, n.  An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave-

driver.

As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet Swims round and round his tank to

find an outlet, Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him, Nor

ever sees the prison that enfolds him; So the poor debtor, seeing naught

around him, Yet feels the narrow limits that impound him, Grieves at his

debt and studies to evade it, And finds at last he might as well have

paid it.

Barlow S. Vode

DECALOGUE, n.  A series of commandments, ten in number -- just enough to

permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to

embarrass the choice.  Following is the revised edition of the

Decalogue, calculated for this meridian.

Thou shalt no God but me adore: 'Twere too expensive to have more.

No images nor idols make For Robert Ingersoll to break.

Take not God's name in vain; select A time when it will have effect.

Work not on Sabbath days at all, But go to see the teams play ball.

Honor thy parents.  That creates For life insurance lower rates.

Kill not, abet not those who kill; Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's

bill.

Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless Thine own thy neighbor doth caress

Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete Successfully in business. 

Cheat.

Bear not false witness -- that is low -- But "hear 'tis rumored so and

so."

Cover thou naught that thou hast not By hook or crook, or somehow, got.

G.J.

DECIDE, v.i.  To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences

over another set.

A leaf was riven from a tree, "I mean to fall to earth," said he.

The west wind, rising, made him veer. "Eastward," said he, "I now shall

steer."

The east wind rose with greater force. Said he:  "'Twere wise to change

my course."

With equal power they contend. He said:  "My judgment I suspend."

Down died the winds; the leaf, elate, Cried:  "I've decided to fall

straight."

"First thoughts are best?"  That's not the moral; Just choose your own

and we'll not quarrel.

Howe'er your choice may chance to fall, You'll have no hand in it at

all.

G.J.

DEFAME, v.t.  To lie about another.  To tell the truth about another.

DEFENCELESS, adj.  Unable to attack.

DEGENERATE, adj.  Less conspicuously admirable than one's ancestors. The

contemporaries of Homer were striking examples of degeneracy; it

required ten of them to raise a rock or a riot that one of the heroes of

the Trojan war could have raised with ease.  Homer never tires of

sneering at "men who live in these degenerate days," which is perhaps

why they suffered him to beg his bread -- a marked instance of returning

good for evil, by the way, for if they had forbidden him he would

certainly have starved.

DEGRADATION, n.  One of the stages of moral and social progress from

private station to political preferment.

DEINOTHERIUM, n.  An extinct pachyderm that flourished when the

Pterodactyl was in fashion.  The latter was a native of Ireland, its

name being pronounced Terry Dactyl or Peter O'Dactyl, as the man

pronouncing it may chance to have heard it spoken or seen it printed.

DEJEUNER, n.  The breakfast of an American who has been in Paris.

Variously pronounced.

DELEGATION, n.  In American politics, an article of merchandise that

comes in sets.

DELIBERATION, n.  The act of examining one's bread to determine which

side it is buttered on.

DELUGE, n.  A notable first experiment in baptism which washed away the

sins (and sinners) of the world.

DELUSION, n.  The father of a most respectable family, comprising

Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many other

goodly sons and daughters.

All hail, Delusion!  Were it not for thee The world turned topsy-turvy

we should see; For Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies, Would fly

abandoned Virtue's gross advances.

Mumfrey Mappel

DENTIST, n.  A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls

coins out of your pocket.

DEPENDENT, adj.  Reliant upon another's generosity for the support which

you are not in a position to exact from his fears.

DEPUTY, n.  A male relative of an office-holder, or of his bondsman. The

deputy is commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie and an

intricate system of cobwebs extending from his nose to his desk. When

accidentally struck by the janitor's broom, he gives off a cloud of

dust.

"Chief Deputy," the Master cried, "To-day the books are to be tried By

experts and accountants who Have been commissioned to go through Our

office here, to see if we Have stolen injudiciously. Please have the

proper entries made, The proper balances displayed, Conforming to the

whole amount Of cash on hand -- which they will count. I've long admired

your punctual way -- Here at the break and close of day, Confronting in

your chair the crowd Of business men, whose voices loud And gestures

violent you quell By some mysterious, calm spell -- Some magic lurking

in your look That brings the noisiest to book And spreads a holy and

profound Tranquillity o'er all around. So orderly all's done that they

Who came to draw remain to pay. But now the time demands, at last, That

you employ your genius vast In energies more active.  Rise And shake the

lightnings from your eyes; Inspire your underlings, and fling Your

spirit into everything!" The Master's hand here dealt a whack Upon the

Deputy's bent back, When straightway to the floor there fell A shrunken

globe, a rattling shell A blackened, withered, eyeless head! The man had

been a twelvemonth dead.

Jamrach Holobom

DESTINY, n.  A tyrant's authority for crime and fool's excuse for

failure.

DIAGNOSIS, n.  A physician's forecast of the disease by the patient's

pulse and purse.

DIAPHRAGM, n.  A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest

from disorders of the bowels.

DIARY, n.  A daily record of that part of one's life, which he can

relate to himself without blushing.

Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ All that he had of wisdom and of

wit. So the Recording Angel, when Hearst died, Erased all entries of his

own and cried: "I'll judge you by your diary."  Said Hearst: "Thank you;

'twill show you I am Saint the First" -- Straightway producing, jubilant

and proud, That record from a pocket in his shroud. The Angel slowly

turned the pages o'er, Each stupid line of which he knew before,

Glooming and gleaming as by turns he hit On Shallow sentiment and stolen

wit; Then gravely closed the book and gave it back. "My friend, you've

wandered from your proper track: You'd never be content this side the

tomb -- For big ideas Heaven has little room, And Hell's no latitude for

making mirth," He said, and kicked the fellow back to earth.

"The Mad Philosopher"

DICTATOR, n.  The chief of a nation that prefers the pestilence of

despotism to the plague of anarchy.

DICTIONARY, n.  A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of

a language and making it hard and inelastic.  This dictionary, however,

is a most useful work.

DIE, n.  The singular of "dice."  We seldom hear the word, because there

is a prohibitory proverb, "Never say die."  At long intervals, however,

some one says:  "The die is cast," which is not true, for it is cut. 

The word is found in an immortal couplet by that eminent poet and

domestic economist, Senator Depew:

A cube of cheese no larger than a die May bait the trap to catch a

nibbling mie.

DIGESTION, n.  The conversion of victuals into virtues.  When the

process is imperfect, vices are evolved instead -- a circumstance from

which that wicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies are

the greater sufferers from dyspepsia.

DIPLOMACY, n.  The patriotic art of lying for one's country.

DISABUSE, v.t.  The present your neighbor with another and better error

than the one which he has deemed it advantageous to embrace.

DISCRIMINATE, v.i.  To note the particulars in which one person or thing

is, if possible, more objectionable than another.

DISCUSSION, n.  A method of confirming others in their errors.

DISOBEDIENCE, n.  The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.

DISOBEY, v.t.  To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturity of

a command.

His right to govern me is clear as day, My duty manifest to disobey; And

if that fit observance e'er I shut May I and duty be alike undone.

Israfel Brown

DISSEMBLE, v.i.  To put a clean shirt upon the character. Let us

dissemble.

Adam

DISTANCE, n.  The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to

call theirs, and keep.

DISTRESS, n.  A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a

friend.

DIVINATION, n.  The art of nosing out the occult.  Divination is of as

many kinds as there are fruit-bearing varieties of the flowering dunce

and the early fool.

DOG, n.  A kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch the

overflow and surplus of the world's worship.  This Divine Being in some

of his smaller and silkier incarnations takes, in the affection of

Woman, the place to which there is no human male aspirant.  The Dog is a

survival -- an anachronism.  He toils not, neither does he spin, yet

Solomon in all his glory never lay upon a door-mat all day long,

sun-soaked and fly-fed and fat, while his master worked for the means

wherewith to purchase the idle wag of the Solomonic tail, seasoned with

a look of tolerant recognition.

DRAGOON, n.  A soldier who combines dash and steadiness in so equal

measure that he makes his advances on foot and his retreats on

horseback.

DRAMATIST, n.  One who adapts plays from the French.

DRUIDS, n.  Priests and ministers of an ancient Celtic religion which

did not disdain to employ the humble allurement of human sacrifice. Very

little is now known about the Druids and their faith.  Pliny says their

religion, originating in Britain, spread eastward as far as Persia. 

Caesar says those who desired to study its mysteries went to Britain. 

Caesar himself went to Britain, but does not appear to have obtained any

high preferment in the Druidical Church, although his talent for human

sacrifice was considerable. Druids performed their religious rites in

groves, and knew nothing of church mortgages and the season-ticket

system of pew rents.  They were, in short, heathens and -- as they were

once complacently catalogued by a distinguished prelate of the Church of

England -- Dissenters.

DUCK-BILL, n.  Your account at your restaurant during the canvas-back

season.

DUEL, n.  A formal ceremony preliminary to the reconciliation of two

enemies.  Great skill is necessary to its satisfactory observance; if

awkwardly performed the most unexpected and deplorable consequences

sometimes ensue.  A long time ago a man lost his life in a duel.

That dueling's a gentlemanly vice I hold; and wish that it had been my

lot To live my life out in some favored spot -- Some country where it is

considered nice To split a rival like a fish, or slice A husband like a

spud, or with a shot Bring down a debtor doubled in a knot And ready to

be put upon the ice. Some miscreants there are, whom I do long To shoot,

to stab, or some such way reclaim The scurvy rogues to better lives and

manners, I seem to see them now -- a mighty throng. It looks as if to

challenge _me_ they came, Jauntily marching with brass bands and

banners!

Xamba Q. Dar

DULLARD, n.  A member of the reigning dynasty in letters and life. The

Dullards came in with Adam, and being both numerous and sturdy have

overrun the habitable world.  The secret of their power is their

insensibility to blows; tickle them with a bludgeon and they laugh with

a platitude.  The Dullards came originally from Boeotia, whence they

were driven by stress of starvation, their dullness having blighted the

crops.  For some centuries they infested Philistia, and many of them are

called Philistines to this day.  In the turbulent times of the Crusades

they withdrew thence and gradually overspread all Europe, occupying most

of the high places in politics, art, literature, science and theology. 

Since a detachment of Dullards came over with the Pilgrims in the

_Mayflower_ and made a favorable report of the country, their increase

by birth, immigration, and conversion has been rapid and steady. 

According to the most trustworthy statistics the number of adult

Dullards in the United States is but little short of thirty millions,

including the statisticians.  The intellectual centre of the race is

somewhere about Peoria, Illinois, but the New England Dullard is the

most shockingly moral.

DUTY, n.  That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along

the line of desire.

Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court, Was wroth at his master, who'd

kissed Lady Port. His anger provoked him to take the king's head, But

duty prevailed, and he took the king's bread, Instead.

G.J.

E

EAT, v.i.  To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of

mastication, humectation, and deglutition. "I was in the drawing-room,

enjoying my dinner," said Brillat- Savarin, beginning an anecdote. 

"What!" interrupted Rochebriant; "eating dinner in a drawing-room?"  "I

must beg you to observe, monsieur," explained the great gastronome,

"that I did not say I was eating my dinner, but enjoying it.  I had

dined an hour before."

EAVESDROP, v.i.  Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes and

vices of another or yourself.

A lady with one of her ears applied To an open keyhole heard, inside,

Two female gossips in converse free -- The subject engaging them was

she. "I think," said one, "and my husband thinks That she's a prying,

inquisitive minx!" As soon as no more of it she could hear The lady,

indignant, removed her ear. "I will not stay," she said, with a pout,

"To hear my character lied about!"

Gopete Sherany

ECCENTRICITY, n.  A method of distinction so cheap that fools employ it

to accentuate their incapacity.

ECONOMY, n.  Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for

the price of the cow that you cannot afford.

EDIBLE, adj.  Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad,

a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a

worm.

EDITOR, n.  A person who combines the judicial functions of Minos,

Rhadamanthus and Aeacus, but is placable with an obolus; a severely

virtuous censor, but so charitable withal that he tolerates the virtues

of others and the vices of himself; who flings about him the splintering

lightning and sturdy thunders of admonition till he resembles a bunch of

firecrackers petulantly uttering his mind at the tail of a dog; then

straightway murmurs a mild, melodious lay, soft as the cooing of a

donkey intoning its prayer to the evening star. Master of mysteries and

lord of law, high-pinnacled upon the throne of thought, his face

suffused with the dim splendors of the Transfiguration, his legs

intertwisted and his tongue a-cheek, the editor spills his will along

the paper and cuts it off in lengths to suit.  And at intervals from

behind the veil of the temple is heard the voice of the foreman

demanding three inches of wit and six lines of religious meditation, or

bidding him turn off the wisdom and whack up some pathos.

O, the Lord of Law on the Throne of Thought, A gilded impostor is he. Of

shreds and patches his robes are wrought, His crown is brass, Himself an

ass, And his power is fiddle-dee-dee. Prankily, crankily prating of

naught, Silly old quilly old Monarch of Thought. Public opinion's

camp-follower he, Thundering, blundering, plundering free. Affected,

Ungracious, Suspected, Mendacious, Respected contemporaree! J.H.

Bumbleshook

EDUCATION, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the

foolish their lack of understanding.

EFFECT, n.  The second of two phenomena which always occur together in

the same order.  The first, called a Cause, is said to generate the

other -- which is no more sensible than it would be for one who has

never seen a dog except in the pursuit of a rabbit to declare the rabbit

the cause of a dog.

EGOTIST, n.  A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in

me.

Megaceph, chosen to serve the State In the halls of legislative debate,

One day with all his credentials came To the capitol's door and

announced his name. The doorkeeper looked, with a comical twist Of the

face, at the eminent egotist, And said:  "Go away, for we settle here

All manner of questions, knotty and queer, And we cannot have, when the

speaker demands To be told how every member stands, A man who to all

things under the sky Assents by eternally voting 'I'."

EJECTION, n.  An approved remedy for the disease of garrulity.  It is

also much used in cases of extreme poverty.

ELECTOR, n.  One who enjoys the sacred privilege of voting for the man

of another man's choice.

ELECTRICITY, n.  The power that causes all natural phenomena not known

to be caused by something else.  It is the same thing as lightning, and

its famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most picturesque

incidents in that great and good man's career.  The memory of Dr.

Franklin is justly held in great reverence, particularly in France,

where a waxen effigy of him was recently on exhibition, bearing the

following touching account of his life and services to science:

"Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of electricity.  This illustrious savant,

after having made several voyages around the world, died on the Sandwich

Islands and was devoured by savages, of whom not a single fragment was

ever recovered."

Electricity seems destined to play a most important part in the arts and

industries.  The question of its economical application to some purposes

is still unsettled, but experiment has already proved that it will

propel a street car better than a gas jet and give more light than a

horse.

ELEGY, n.  A composition in verse, in which, without employing any of

the methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the reader's mind

the dampest kind of dejection.  The most famous English example begins

somewhat like this:

The cur foretells the knell of parting day; The loafing herd winds

slowly o'er the lea; The wise man homeward plods; I only stay To

fiddle-faddle in a minor key.

ELOQUENCE, n.  The art of orally persuading fools that white is the

color that it appears to be.  It includes the gift of making any color

appear white.

ELYSIUM, n.  An imaginary delightful country which the ancients

foolishly believed to be inhabited by the spirits of the good.  This

ridiculous and mischievous fable was swept off the face of the earth by

the early Christians -- may their souls be happy in Heaven!

EMANCIPATION, n.  A bondman's change from the tyranny of another to the

despotism of himself.

He was a slave:  at word he went and came; His iron collar cut him to

the bone. Then Liberty erased his owner's name, Tightened the rivets and

inscribed his own.

G.J.

EMBALM, v.i.  To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon which it

feeds.  By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the natural

balance between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians made their once

fertile and populous country barren and incapable of supporting more

than a meagre crew.  The modern metallic burial casket is a step in the

same direction, and many a dead man who ought now to be ornamenting his

neighbor's lawn as a tree, or enriching his table as a bunch of

radishes, is doomed to a long inutility.  We shall get him after awhile

if we are spared, but in the meantime the violet and rose are

languishing for a nibble at his _glutoeus maximus_.

EMOTION, n.  A prostrating disease caused by a determination of the

heart to the head.  It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge

of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes.

ENCOMIAST, n.  A special (but not particular) kind of liar.

END, n.  The position farthest removed on either hand from the

Interlocutor.

The man was perishing apace Who played the tambourine; The seal of death

was on his face -- 'Twas pallid, for 'twas clean.

"This is the end," the sick man said In faint and failing tones. A

moment later he was dead, And Tambourine was Bones.

Tinley Roquot

ENOUGH, pro.  All there is in the world if you like it.

Enough is as good as a feast -- for that matter Enougher's as good as a

feast for the platter.

Arbely C. Strunk

ENTERTAINMENT, n.  Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of

death by injection.

ENTHUSIASM, n.  A distemper of youth, curable by small doses of

repentance in connection with outward applications of experience. Byron,

who recovered long enough to call it "entuzy-muzy," had a relapse, which

carried him off -- to Missolonghi.

ENVELOPE, n.  The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill; the husk

of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter.

ENVY, n.  Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity.

EPAULET, n.  An ornamented badge, serving to distinguish a military

officer from the enemy -- that is to say, from the officer of lower rank

to whom his death would give promotion.

EPICURE, n.  An opponent of Epicurus, an abstemious philosopher who,

holding that pleasure should be the chief aim of man, wasted no time in

gratification from the senses.

EPIGRAM, n.  A short, sharp saying in prose or verse, frequently

characterize by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom. Following

are some of the more notable epigrams of the learned and ingenious Dr.

Jamrach Holobom:

We know better the needs of ourselves than of others.  To serve oneself

is economy of administration.

In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. 

Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity.

There are three sexes; males, females and girls.

Beauty in women and distinction in men are alike in this: they seem to

be the unthinking a kind of credibility. Women in love are less ashamed

than men.  They have less to be ashamed of.

While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are

safe, for you can watch both his.

EPITAPH, n.  An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquired by

death have a retroactive effect.  Following is a touching example:

Here lie the bones of Parson Platt, Wise, pious, humble and all that,

Who showed us life as all should live it; Let that be said -- and God

forgive it!

ERUDITION, n.  Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.

So wide his erudition's mighty span, He knew Creation's origin and plan

And only came by accident to grief -- He thought, poor man, 'twas right

to be a thief.

Romach Pute

ESOTERIC, adj.  Very particularly abstruse and consummately occult. The

ancient philosophies were of two kinds, -- _exoteric_, those that the

philosophers themselves could partly understand, and _esoteric_, those

that nobody could understand.  It is the latter that have most

profoundly affected modern thought and found greatest acceptance in our

time.

ETHNOLOGY, n.  The science that treats of the various tribes of Man, as

robbers, thieves, swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots and ethnologists.

EUCHARIST, n.  A sacred feast of the religious sect of Theophagi. A

dispute once unhappily arose among the members of this sect as to what

it was that they ate.  In this controversy some five hundred thousand

have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled.

EULOGY, n.  Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth

and power, or the consideration to be dead.

EVANGELIST, n.  A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religious

sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation of our

neighbors.

EVERLASTING, adj.  Lasting forever.  It is with no small diffidence that

I venture to offer this brief and elementary definition, for I am not

unaware of the existence of a bulky volume by a sometime Bishop of

Worcester, entitled, _A Partial Definition of the Word "Everlasting," as

Used in the Authorized Version of the Holy Scriptures_.  His book was

once esteemed of great authority in the Anglican Church, and is still, I

understand, studied with pleasure to the mind and profit of the soul.

EXCEPTION, n.  A thing which takes the liberty to differ from other

things of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc.  "The

exception proves the rule" is an expression constantly upon the lips of

the ignorant, who parrot it from one another with never a thought of its

absurdity.  In the Latin, "_Exceptio probat regulam_" means that the

exception _tests_ the rule, puts it to the proof, not _confirms_ it. 

The malefactor who drew the meaning from this excellent dictum and

substituted a contrary one of his own exerted an evil power which

appears to be immortal.

EXCESS, n.  In morals, an indulgence that enforces by appropriate

penalties the law of moderation.

Hail, high Excess -- especially in wine, To thee in worship do I bend

the knee Who preach abstemiousness unto me -- My skull thy pulpit, as my

paunch thy shrine. Precept on precept, aye, and line on line, Could

ne'er persuade so sweetly to agree With reason as thy touch, exact and

free, Upon my forehead and along my spine. At thy command eschewing

pleasure's cup, With the hot grape I warm no more my wit; When on thy

stool of penitence I sit I'm quite converted, for I can't get up.

Ungrateful he who afterward would falter To make new sacrifices at thine

altar!

EXCOMMUNICATION, n.

This "excommunication" is a word In speech ecclesiastical oft heard, And

means the damning, with bell, book and candle, Some sinner whose

opinions are a scandal -- A rite permitting Satan to enslave him

Forever, and forbidding Christ to save him.

Gat Huckle

EXECUTIVE, n.  An officer of the Government, whose duty it is to enforce

the wishes of the legislative power until such time as the judicial

department shall be pleased to pronounce them invalid and of no effect. 

Following is an extract from an old book entitled, _The Lunarian

Astonished_ -- Pfeiffer & Co., Boston, 1803:

LUNARIAN:  Then when your Congress has passed a law it goes directly to

the Supreme Court in order that it may at once be known whether it is

constitutional? TERRESTRIAN:  O no; it does not require the approval of

the Supreme Court until having perhaps been enforced for many years

somebody objects to its operation against himself -- I mean his client. 

The President, if he approves it, begins to execute it at once.

LUNARIAN:  Ah, the executive power is a part of the legislative. Do your

policemen also have to approve the local ordinances that they enforce?

TERRESTRIAN:  Not yet -- at least not in their character of constables. 

Generally speaking, though, all laws require the approval of those whom

they are intended to restrain. LUNARIAN:  I see.  The death warrant is

not valid until signed by the murderer. TERRESTRIAN:  My friend, you put

it too strongly; we are not so consistent. LUNARIAN:  But this system of

maintaining an expensive judicial machinery to pass upon the validity of

laws only after they have long been executed, and then only when brought

before the court by some private person -- does it not cause great

confusion? TERRESTRIAN:  It does. LUNARIAN:  Why then should not your

laws, previously to being executed, be validated, not by the signature

of your President, but by that of the Chief Justice of the Supreme

Court? TERRESTRIAN:  There is no precedent for any such course.

LUNARIAN:  Precedent.  What is that? TERRESTRIAN:  It has been defined

by five hundred lawyers in three volumes each.  So how can any one know?

EXHORT, v.t. In religious affairs, to put the conscience of another upon

the spit and roast it to a nut-brown discomfort.

EXILE, n.  One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not an

ambassador. An English sea-captain being asked if he had read "The Exile

of Erin," replied:  "No, sir, but I should like to anchor on it."  Years

afterwards, when he had been hanged as a pirate after a career of

unparalleled atrocities, the following memorandum was found in the

ship's log that he had kept at the time of his reply:

Aug. 3d, 1842.  Made a joke on the ex-Isle of Erin.  Coldly received. 

War with the whole world!

EXISTENCE, n.

A transient, horrible, fantastic dream, Wherein is nothing yet all

things do seem: From which we're wakened by a friendly nudge Of our

bedfellow Death, and cry:  "O fudge!"

EXPERIENCE, n.  The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an

undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.

To one who, journeying through night and fog, Is mired neck-deep in an

unwholesome bog, Experience, like the rising of the dawn, Reveals the

path that he should not have gone.

Joel Frad Bink

EXPOSTULATION, n.  One of the many methods by which fools prefer to lose

their friends.

EXTINCTION, n.  The raw material out of which theology created the

future state.

F

FAIRY, n.  A creature, variously fashioned and endowed, that formerly

inhabited the meadows and forests.  It was nocturnal in its habits, and

somewhat addicted to dancing and the theft of children.  The fairies are

now believed by naturalist to be extinct, though a clergyman of the

Church of England saw three near Colchester as lately as 1855, while

passing through a park after dining with the lord of the manor.  The

sight greatly staggered him, and he was so affected that his account of

it was incoherent.  In the year 1807 a troop of fairies visited a wood

near Aix and carried off the daughter of a peasant, who had been seen to

enter it with a bundle of clothing.  The son of a wealthy _bourgeois_

disappeared about the same time, but afterward returned.  He had seen

the abduction been in pursuit of the fairies.  Justinian Gaux, a writer

of the fourteenth century, avers that so great is the fairies' power of

transformation that he saw one change itself into two opposing armies

and fight a battle with great slaughter, and that the next day, after it

had resumed its original shape and gone away, there were seven hundred

bodies of the slain which the villagers had to bury.  He does not say if

any of the wounded recovered.  In the time of Henry III, of England, a

law was made which prescribed the death penalty for "Kyllynge,

wowndynge, or mamynge" a fairy, and it was universally respected.

FAITH, n.  Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks

without knowledge, of things without parallel.

FAMOUS, adj.  Conspicuously miserable.

Done to a turn on the iron, behold Him who to be famous aspired.

Content?  Well, his grill has a plating of gold, And his twistings are

greatly admired.

Hassan Brubuddy

FASHION, n.  A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey.

A king there was who lost an eye In some excess of passion; And straight

his courtiers all did try To follow the new fashion.

Each dropped one eyelid when before The throne he ventured, thinking

'Twould please the king.  That monarch swore He'd slay them all for

winking.

What should they do?  They were not hot To hazard such disaster; They

dared not close an eye -- dared not See better than their master.

Seeing them lacrymose and glum, A leech consoled the weepers: He spread

small rags with liquid gum And covered half their peepers.

The court all wore the stuff, the flame Of royal anger dying. That's how

court-plaster got its name Unless I'm greatly lying.

Naramy Oof

FEAST, n.  A festival.  A religious celebration usually signalized by

gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person

distinguished for abstemiousness.  In the Roman Catholic Church feasts

are "movable" and "immovable," but the celebrants are uniformly

immovable until they are full.  In their earliest development these

entertainments took the form of feasts for the dead; such were held by

the Greeks, under the name _Nemeseia_, by the Aztecs and Peruvians, as

in modern times they are popular with the Chinese; though it is believed

that the ancient dead, like the modern, were light eaters. Among the

many feasts of the Romans was the _Novemdiale_, which was held,

according to Livy, whenever stones fell from heaven.

FELON, n.  A person of greater enterprise than discretion, who in

embracing an opportunity has formed an unfortunate attachment.

FEMALE, n.  One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.

The Maker, at Creation's birth, With living things had stocked the

earth. From elephants to bats and snails, They all were good, for all

were males. But when the Devil came and saw He said:  "By Thine eternal

law Of growth, maturity, decay, These all must quickly pass away And

leave untenanted the earth Unless Thou dost establish birth" -- Then

tucked his head beneath his wing To laugh -- he had no sleeve -- the

thing With deviltry did so accord, That he'd suggested to the Lord. The

Master pondered this advice, Then shook and threw the fateful dice

Wherewith all matters here below Are ordered, and observed the throw;

Then bent His head in awful state, Confirming the decree of Fate. From

every part of earth anew The conscious dust consenting flew, While

rivers from their courses rolled To make it plastic for the mould.

Enough collected (but no more, For niggard Nature hoards her store) He

kneaded it to flexible clay, While Nick unseen threw some away. And then

the various forms He cast, Gross organs first and finer last; No one at

once evolved, but all By even touches grew and small Degrees advanced,

till, shade by shade, To match all living things He'd made Females,

complete in all their parts Except (His clay gave out) the hearts. "No

matter," Satan cried; "with speed I'll fetch the very hearts they need"

-- So flew away and soon brought back The number needed, in a sack. That

night earth range with sounds of strife -- Ten million males each had a

wife; That night sweet Peace her pinions spread O'er Hell -- ten million

devils dead!

G.J.

FIB, n.  A lie that has not cut its teeth.  An habitual liar's nearest

approach to truth:  the perigee of his eccentric orbit.

When David said:  "All men are liars," Dave, Himself a liar, fibbed like

any thief. Perhaps he thought to weaken disbelief By proof that even

himself was not a slave To Truth; though I suspect the aged knave Had

been of all her servitors the chief Had he but known a fig's reluctant

leaf Is more than e'er she wore on land or wave. No, David served not

Naked Truth when he Struck that sledge-hammer blow at all his race; Nor

did he hit the nail upon the head: For reason shows that it could never

be, And the facts contradict him to his face. Men are not liars all, for

some are dead.

Bartle Quinker

FICKLENESS, n.  The iterated satiety of an enterprising affection.

FIDDLE, n.  An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's

tail on the entrails of a cat.

To Rome said Nero:  "If to smoke you turn I shall not cease to fiddle

while you burn." To Nero Rome replied:  "Pray do your worst, 'Tis my

excuse that you were fiddling first."

Orm Pludge

FIDELITY, n.  A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.

FINANCE, n.  The art or science of managing revenues and resources for

the best advantage of the manager.  The pronunciation of this word with

the i long and the accent on the first syllable is one of America's most

precious discoveries and possessions.

FLAG, n.  A colored rag borne above troops and hoisted on forts and

ships.  It appears to serve the same purpose as certain signs that one

sees and vacant lots in London -- "Rubbish may be shot here."

FLESH, n.  The Second Person of the secular Trinity.

FLOP, v.  Suddenly to change one's opinions and go over to another

party.  The most notable flop on record was that of Saul of Tarsus, who

has been severely criticised as a turn-coat by some of our partisan

journals.

FLY-SPECK, n.  The prototype of punctuation.  It is observed by Garvinus

that the systems of punctuation in use by the various literary nations

depended originally upon the social habits and general diet of the flies

infesting the several countries.  These creatures, which have always

been distinguished for a neighborly and companionable familiarity with

authors, liberally or niggardly embellish the manuscripts in process of

growth under the pen, according to their bodily habit, bringing out the

sense of the work by a species of interpretation superior to, and

independent of, the writer's powers.  The "old masters" of literature --

that is to say, the early writers whose work is so esteemed by later

scribes and critics in the same language -- never punctuated at all, but

worked right along free-handed, without that abruption of the thought

which comes from the use of points.  (We observe the same thing in

children to-day, whose usage in this particular is a striking and

beautiful instance of the law that the infancy of individuals reproduces

the methods and stages of development characterizing the infancy of

races.)  In the work of these primitive scribes all the punctuation is

found, by the modern investigator with his optical instruments and

chemical tests, to have been inserted by the writers' ingenious and

serviceable collaborator, the common house-fly -- _Musca maledicta_. In

transcribing these ancient MSS, for the purpose of either making the

work their own or preserving what they naturally regard as divine

revelations, later writers reverently and accurately copy whatever marks

they find upon the papyrus or parchment, to the unspeakable enhancement

of the lucidity of the thought and value of the work. Writers

contemporary with the copyists naturally avail themselves of the obvious

advantages of these marks in their own work, and with such assistance as

the flies of their own household may be willing to grant, frequently

rival and sometimes surpass the older compositions, in respect at least

of punctuation, which is no small glory.  Fully to understand the

important services that flies perform to literature it is only necessary

to lay a page of some popular novelist alongside a saucer of

cream-and-molasses in a sunny room and observe "how the wit brightens

and the style refines" in accurate proportion to the duration of

exposure.

FOLLY, n.  That "gift and faculty divine" whose creative and controlling

energy inspires Man's mind, guides his actions and adorns his life.

Folly! although Erasmus praised thee once In a thick volume, and all

authors known, If not thy glory yet thy power have shown, Deign to take

homage from thy son who hunts Through all thy maze his brothers, fool

and dunce, To mend their lives and to sustain his own, However feebly be

his arrows thrown,

Howe'er each hide the flying weapons blunts. All-Father Folly! be it

mine to raise, With lusty lung, here on his western strand With all

thine offspring thronged from every land, Thyself inspiring me, the song

of praise. And if too weak, I'll hire, to help me bawl, Dick Watson

Gilder, gravest of us all.

Aramis Loto Frope

FOOL, n.  A person who pervades the domain of intellectual speculation

and diffuses himself through the channels of moral activity.  He is

omnific, omniform, omnipercipient, omniscience, omnipotent.  He it was

who invented letters, printing, the railroad, the steamboat, the

telegraph, the platitude and the circle of the sciences.  He created

patriotism and taught the nations war -- founded theology, philosophy,

law, medicine and Chicago.  He established monarchical and republican

government.  He is from everlasting to everlasting -- such as creation's

dawn beheld he fooleth now.  In the morning of time he sang upon

primitive hills, and in the noonday of existence headed the procession

of being.  His grandmotherly hand was warmly tucked-in the set sun of

civilization, and in the twilight he prepares Man's evening meal of

milk-and-morality and turns down the covers of the universal grave.  And

after the rest of us shall have retired for the night of eternal

oblivion he will sit up to write a history of human civilization.

FORCE, n.

"Force is but might," the teacher said -- "That definition's just." The

boy said naught but through instead, Remembering his pounded head:

"Force is not might but must!"

FOREFINGER, n.  The finger commonly used in pointing out two

malefactors.

FOREORDINATION, n.  This looks like an easy word to define, but when I

consider that pious and learned theologians have spent long lives in

explaining it, and written libraries to explain their explanations; when

I remember the nations have been divided and bloody battles caused by

the difference between foreordination and predestination, and that

millions of treasure have been expended in the effort to prove and

disprove its compatibility with freedom of the will and the efficacy of

prayer, praise, and a religious life, -- recalling these awful facts in

the history of the word, I stand appalled before the mighty problem of

its signification, abase my spiritual eyes, fearing to contemplate its

portentous magnitude, reverently uncover and humbly refer it to His

Eminence Cardinal Gibbons and His Grace Bishop Potter.

FORGETFULNESS, n.  A gift of God bestowed upon doctors in compensation

for their destitution of conscience.

FORK, n.  An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead

animals into the mouth.  Formerly the knife was employed for this

purpose, and by many worthy persons is still thought to have many

advantages over the other tool, which, however, they do not altogether

reject, but use to assist in charging the knife.  The immunity of these

persons from swift and awful death is one of the most striking proofs of

God's mercy to those that hate Him.

FORMA PAUPERIS.  [Latin]  In the character of a poor person -- a method

by which a litigant without money for lawyers is considerately permitted

to lose his case.

When Adam long ago in Cupid's awful court (For Cupid ruled ere Adam was

invented) Sued for Eve's favor, says an ancient law report, He stood and

pleaded unhabilimented.

"You sue _in forma pauperis_, I see," Eve cried; "Actions can't here be

that way prosecuted." So all poor Adam's motions coldly were denied: He

went away -- as he had come -- nonsuited.

G.J.

FRANKALMOIGNE, n.  The tenure by which a religious corporation holds

lands on condition of praying for the soul of the donor.  In mediaeval

times many of the wealthiest fraternities obtained their estates in this

simple and cheap manner, and once when Henry VIII of England sent an

officer to confiscate certain vast possessions which a fraternity of

monks held by frankalmoigne, "What!" said the Prior, "would you master

stay our benefactor's soul in Purgatory?"  "Ay," said the officer,

coldly, "an ye will not pray him thence for naught he must e'en roast." 

"But look you, my son," persisted the good man, "this act hath rank as

robbery of God!"  "Nay, nay, good father, my master the king doth but

deliver him from the manifold temptations of too great wealth."

FREEBOOTER, n.  A conqueror in a small way of business, whose

annexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude.

FREEDOM, n.  Exemption from the stress of authority in a beggarly half

dozen of restraint's infinite multitude of methods.  A political

condition that every nation supposes itself to enjoy in virtual

monopoly.  Liberty.  The distinction between freedom and liberty is not

accurately known; naturalists have never been able to find a living

specimen of either.

Freedom, as every schoolboy knows, Once shrieked as Kosciusko fell; On

every wind, indeed, that blows I hear her yell.

She screams whenever monarchs meet, And parliaments as well, To bind the

chains about her feet And toll her knell.

And when the sovereign people cast The votes they cannot spell, Upon the

pestilential blast Her clamors swell.

For all to whom the power's given To sway or to compel, Among themselves

apportion Heaven And give her Hell.

Blary O'Gary

FREEMASONS, n.  An order with secret rites, grotesque ceremonies and

fantastic costumes, which, originating in the reign of Charles II, among

working artisans of London, has been joined successively by the dead of

past centuries in unbroken retrogression until now it embraces all the

generations of man on the hither side of Adam and is drumming up

distinguished recruits among the pre-Creational inhabitants of Chaos and

Formless Void.  The order was founded at different times by Charlemagne,

Julius Caesar, Cyrus, Solomon, Zoroaster, Confucious, Thothmes, and

Buddha.  Its emblems and symbols have been found in the Catacombs of

Paris and Rome, on the stones of the Parthenon and the Chinese Great

Wall, among the temples of Karnak and Palmyra and in the Egyptian

Pyramids -- always by a Freemason.

FRIENDLESS, adj.  Having no favors to bestow.  Destitute of fortune.

Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.

FRIENDSHIP, n.  A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only

one in foul.

The sea was calm and the sky was blue; Merrily, merrily sailed we two.

(High barometer maketh glad.) On the tipsy ship, with a dreadful shout,

The tempest descended and we fell out. (O the walking is nasty bad!)

Armit Huff Bettle

FROG, n.  A reptile with edible legs.  The first mention of frogs in

profane literature is in Homer's narrative of the war between them and

the mice.  Skeptical persons have doubted Homer's authorship of the

work, but the learned, ingenious and industrious Dr. Schliemann has set

the question forever at rest by uncovering the bones of the slain frogs. 

One of the forms of moral suasion by which Pharaoh was besought to favor

the Israelities was a plague of frogs, but Pharaoh, who liked them

_fricasees_, remarked, with truly oriental stoicism, that he could stand

it as long as the frogs and the Jews could; so the programme was

changed.  The frog is a diligent songster, having a good voice but no

ear.  The libretto of his favorite opera, as written by Aristophanes, is

brief, simple and effective -- "brekekex-koax"; the music is apparently

by that eminent composer, Richard Wagner.  Horses have a frog in each

hoof -- a thoughtful provision of nature, enabling them to shine in a

hurdle race.

FRYING-PAN, n.  One part of the penal apparatus employed in that

punitive institution, a woman's kitchen.  The frying-pan was invented by

Calvin, and by him used in cooking span-long infants that had died

without baptism; and observing one day the horrible torment of a tramp

who had incautiously pulled a fried babe from the waste-dump and

devoured it, it occurred to the great divine to rob death of its terrors

by introducing the frying-pan into every household in Geneva. Thence it

spread to all corners of the world, and has been of invaluable

assistance in the propagation of his sombre faith.  The following lines

(said to be from the pen of his Grace Bishop Potter) seem to imply that

the usefulness of this utensil is not limited to this world; but as the

consequences of its employment in this life reach over into the life to

come, so also itself may be found on the other side, rewarding its

devotees:

Old Nick was summoned to the skies. Said Peter:  "Your intentions Are

good, but you lack enterprise Concerning new inventions.

"Now, broiling in an ancient plan Of torment, but I hear it Reported

that the frying-pan Sears best the wicked spirit.

"Go get one -- fill it up with fat -- Fry sinners brown and good in't."

"I know a trick worth two o' that," Said Nick -- "I'll cook their food

in't."

FUNERAL, n.  A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by

enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure

that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.

The savage dies -- they sacrifice a horse To bear to happy

hunting-grounds the corse. Our friends expire -- we make the money fly

In hope their souls will chase it to the sky.

Jex Wopley

FUTURE, n.  That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our

friends are true and our happiness is assured.

G

GALLOWS, n.  A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the

leading actor is translated to heaven.  In this country the gallows is

chiefly remarkable for the number of persons who escape it.

Whether on the gallows high Or where blood flows the reddest, The

noblest place for man to die -- Is where he died the deadest.

(Old play)

GARGOYLE, n.  A rain-spout projecting from the eaves of mediaeval

buildings, commonly fashioned into a grotesque caricature of some

personal enemy of the architect or owner of the building.  This was

especially the case in churches and ecclesiastical structures generally,

in which the gargoyles presented a perfect rogues' gallery of local

heretics and controversialists.  Sometimes when a new dean and chapter

were installed the old gargoyles were removed and others substituted

having a closer relation to the private animosities of the new

incumbents.

GARTHER, n.  An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of

her stockings and desolating the country.

GENEROUS, adj.  Originally this word meant noble by birth and was

rightly applied to a great multitude of persons.  It now means noble by

nature and is taking a bit of a rest.

GENEALOGY, n.  An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not

particularly care to trace his own.

GENTEEL, adj.  Refined, after the fashion of a gent.

Observe with care, my son, the distinction I reveal: A gentleman is

gentle and a gent genteel. Heed not the definitions your "Unabridged"

presents, For dictionary makers are generally gents.

G.J.

GEOGRAPHER, n.  A chap who can tell you offhand the difference between

the outside of the world and the inside.

Habeam, geographer of wide reknown, Native of Abu-Keber's ancient town,

In passing thence along the river Zam To the adjacent village of Xelam,

Bewildered by the multitude of roads, Got lost, lived long on migratory

toads, Then from exposure miserably died, And grateful travelers

bewailed their guide.

Henry Haukhorn

GEOLOGY, n.  The science of the earth's crust -- to which, doubtless,

will be added that of its interior whenever a man shall come up

garrulous out of a well.  The geological formations of the globe already

noted are catalogued thus:  The Primary, or lower one, consists of

rocks, bones or mired mules, gas-pipes, miners' tools, antique statues

minus the nose, Spanish doubloons and ancestors.  The Secondary is

largely made up of red worms and moles.  The Tertiary comprises railway

tracks, patent pavements, grass, snakes, mouldy boots, beer bottles,

tomato cans, intoxicated citizens, garbage, anarchists, snap-dogs and

fools.

GHOST, n.  The outward and visible sign of an inward fear.

He saw a ghost. It occupied -- that dismal thing! -- The path that he

was following. Before he'd time to stop and fly, An earthquake trifled

with the eye That saw a ghost. He fell as fall the early good; Unmoved

that awful vision stood. The stars that danced before his ken He wildly

brushed away, and then He saw a post.

Jared Macphester

Accounting for the uncommon behavior of ghosts, Heine mentions

somebody's ingenious theory to the effect that they are as much afraid

of us as we of them.  Not quite, if I may judge from such tables of

comparative speed as I am able to compile from memories of my own

experience. There is one insuperable obstacle to a belief in ghosts.  A

ghost never comes naked:  he appears either in a winding-sheet or "in

his habit as he lived."  To believe in him, then, is to believe that not

only have the dead the power to make themselves visible after there is

nothing left of them, but that the same power inheres in textile

fabrics.  Supposing the products of the loom to have this ability, what

object would they have in exercising it?  And why does not the

apparition of a suit of clothes sometimes walk abroad without a ghost in

it?  These be riddles of significance.  They reach away down and get a

convulsive grip on the very tap-root of this flourishing faith.

GHOUL, n.  A demon addicted to the reprehensible habit of devouring the

dead.  The existence of ghouls has been disputed by that class of

controversialists who are more concerned to deprive the world of

comforting beliefs than to give it anything good in their place.  In

1640 Father Secchi saw one in a cemetery near Florence and frightened it

away with the sign of the cross.  He describes it as gifted with many

heads an an uncommon allowance of limbs, and he saw it in more than one

place at a time.  The good man was coming away from dinner at the time

and explains that if he had not been "heavy with eating" he would have

seized the demon at all hazards.  Atholston relates that a ghoul was

caught by some sturdy peasants in a churchyard at Sudbury and ducked in

a horsepond.  (He appears to think that so distinguished a criminal

should have been ducked in a tank of rosewater.)  The water turned at

once to blood "and so contynues unto ys daye."  The pond has since been

bled with a ditch.  As late as the beginning of the fourteenth century a

ghoul was cornered in the crypt of the cathedral at Amiens and the whole

population surrounded the place.  Twenty armed men with a priest at

their head, bearing a crucifix, entered and captured the ghoul, which,

thinking to escape by the stratagem, had transformed itself to the

semblance of a well known citizen, but was nevertheless hanged, drawn

and quartered in the midst of hideous popular orgies.  The citizen whose

shape the demon had assumed was so affected by the sinister occurrence

that he never again showed himself in Amiens and his fate remains a

mystery.

GLUTTON, n.  A person who escapes the evils of moderation by committing

dyspepsia.

GNOME, n.  In North-European mythology, a dwarfish imp inhabiting the

interior parts of the earth and having special custody of mineral

treasures.  Bjorsen, who died in 1765, says gnomes were common enough in

the southern parts of Sweden in his boyhood, and he frequently saw them

scampering on the hills in the evening twilight.  Ludwig Binkerhoof saw

three as recently as 1792, in the Black Forest, and Sneddeker avers that

in 1803 they drove a party of miners out of a Silesian mine.  Basing our

computations upon data supplied by these statements, we find that the

gnomes were probably extinct as early as 1764.

GNOSTICS, n.  A sect of philosophers who tried to engineer a fusion

between the early Christians and the Platonists.  The former would not

go into the caucus and the combination failed, greatly to the chagrin of

the fusion managers.

GNU, n.  An animal of South Africa, which in its domesticated state

resembles a horse, a buffalo and a stag.  In its wild condition it is

something like a thunderbolt, an earthquake and a cyclone.

A hunter from Kew caught a distant view Of a peacefully meditative gnu,

And he said:  "I'll pursue, and my hands imbrue In its blood at a closer

interview." But that beast did ensue and the hunter it threw O'er the

top of a palm that adjacent grew; And he said as he flew:  "It is well I

withdrew Ere, losing my temper, I wickedly slew That really meritorious

gnu."

Jarn Leffer

GOOD, adj.  Sensible, madam, to the worth of this present writer. Alive,

sir, to the advantages of letting him alone.

GOOSE, n.  A bird that supplies quills for writing.  These, by some

occult process of nature, are penetrated and suffused with various

degrees of the bird's intellectual energies and emotional character, so

that when inked and drawn mechanically across paper by a person called

an "author," there results a very fair and accurate transcript of the

fowl's thought and feeling.  The difference in geese, as discovered by

this ingenious method, is considerable:  many are found to have only

trivial and insignificant powers, but some are seen to be very great

geese indeed.

GORGON, n.

The Gorgon was a maiden bold Who turned to stone the Greeks of old That

looked upon her awful brow. We dig them out of ruins now, And swear that

workmanship so bad Proves all the ancient sculptors mad.

GOUT, n.  A physician's name for the rheumatism of a rich patient.

GRACES, n.  Three beautiful goddesses, Aglaia, Thalia and Euphrosyne,

who attended upon Venus, serving without salary.  They were at no

expense for board and clothing, for they ate nothing to speak of and

dressed according to the weather, wearing whatever breeze happened to be

blowing.

GRAMMAR, n.  A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet for

the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to distinction.

GRAPE, n.

Hail noble fruit! -- by Homer sung, Anacreon and Khayyam; Thy praise is

ever on the tongue Of better men than I am.

The lyre in my hand has never swept, The song I cannot offer: My humbler

service pray accept -- I'll help to kill the scoffer. The water-drinkers

and the cranks Who load their skins with liquor -- I'll gladly bear

their belly-tanks And tap them with my sticker.

Fill up, fill up, for wisdom cools When e'er we let the wine rest.

Here's death to Prohibition's fools, And every kind of vine-pest!

Jamrach Holobom

GRAPESHOT, n.  An argument which the future is preparing in answer to

the demands of American Socialism.

GRAVE, n.  A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the

medical student.

Beside a lonely grave I stood -- With brambles 'twas encumbered; The

winds were moaning in the wood, Unheard by him who slumbered,

A rustic standing near, I said: "He cannot hear it blowing!" "'Course

not," said he:  "the feller's dead -- He can't hear nowt [sic] that's

going."

"Too true," I said; "alas, too true -- No sound his sense can quicken!"

"Well, mister, wot is that to you? -- The deadster ain't a-kickin'."

I knelt and prayed:  "O Father, smile On him, and mercy show him!" That

countryman looked on the while, And said:  "Ye didn't know him."

Pobeter Dunko

GRAVITATION, n.  The tendency of all bodies to approach one another with

a strength proportion to the quantity of matter they contain -- the

quantity of matter they contain being ascertained by the strength of

their tendency to approach one another.  This is a lovely and edifying

illustration of how science, having made A the proof of B, makes B the

proof of A.

GREAT, adj.

"I'm great," the Lion said -- "I reign The monarch of the wood and

plain!"

The Elephant replied:  "I'm great -- No quadruped can match my weight!"

"I'm great -- no animal has half So long a neck!" said the Giraffe.

"I'm great," the Kangaroo said -- "see My femoral muscularity!"

The 'Possum said:  "I'm great -- behold, My tail is lithe and bald and

cold!"

An Oyster fried was understood To say:  "I'm great because I'm good!"

Each reckons greatness to consist In that in which he heads the list,

And Vierick thinks he tops his class Because he is the greatest ass.

Arion Spurl Doke

GUILLOTINE, n.  A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders

with good reason. In his great work on _Divergent Lines of Racial

Evolution_, the learned Professor Brayfugle argues from the prevalence

of this gesture -- the shrug -- among Frenchmen, that they are descended

from turtles and it is simply a survival of the habit of retracing the

head inside the shell.  It is with reluctance that I differ with so

eminent an authority, but in my judgment (as more elaborately set forth

and enforced in my work entitled _Hereditary Emotions_ -- lib. II, c.

XI) the shrug is a poor foundation upon which to build so important a

theory, for previously to the Revolution the gesture was unknown.  I

have not a doubt that it is directly referable to the terror inspired by

the guillotine during the period of that instrument's activity.

GUNPOWDER, n.  An agency employed by civilized nations for the

settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left

unadjusted.  By most writers the invention of gunpowder is ascribed to

the Chinese, but not upon very convincing evidence.  Milton says it was

invented by the devil to dispel angels with, and this opinion seems to

derive some support from the scarcity of angels.  Moreover, it has the

hearty concurrence of the Hon. James Wilson, Secretary of Agriculture.

Secretary Wilson became interested in gunpowder through an event that

occurred on the Government experimental farm in the District of

Columbia.  One day, several years ago, a rogue imperfectly reverent of

the Secretary's profound attainments and personal character presented

him with a sack of gunpowder, representing it as the sed of the

_Flashawful flabbergastor_, a Patagonian cereal of great commercial

value, admirably adapted to this climate.  The good Secretary was

instructed to spill it along in a furrow and afterward inhume it with

soil.  This he at once proceeded to do, and had made a continuous line

of it all the way across a ten-acre field, when he was made to look

backward by a shout from the generous donor, who at once dropped a

lighted match into the furrow at the starting-point.  Contact with the

earth had somewhat dampened the powder, but the startled functionary saw

himself pursued by a tall moving pillar of fire and smoke and fierce

evolution.  He stood for a moment paralyzed and speechless, then he

recollected an engagement and, dropping all, absented himself thence

with such surprising celerity that to the eyes of spectators along the

route selected he appeared like a long, dim streak prolonging itself

with inconceivable rapidity through seven villages, and audibly refusing

to be comforted.  "Great Scott! what is that?" cried a surveyor's

chainman, shading his eyes and gazing at the fading line of

agriculturist which bisected his visible horizon.  "That," said the

surveyor, carelessly glancing at the phenomenon and again centering his

attention upon his instrument, "is the Meridian of Washington."

H

HABEAS CORPUS.  A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail when

confined for the wrong crime.

HABIT, n.  A shackle for the free.

HADES, n.  The lower world; the residence of departed spirits; the place

where the dead live. Among the ancients the idea of Hades was not

synonymous with our Hell, many of the most respectable men of antiquity

residing there in a very comfortable kind of way.  Indeed, the Elysian

Fields themselves were a part of Hades, though they have since been

removed to Paris. When the Jacobean version of the New Testament was in

process of evolution the pious and learned men engaged in the work

insisted by a majority vote on translating the Greek word "Aides" as

"Hell"; but a conscientious minority member secretly possessed himself

of the record and struck out the objectional word wherever he could find

it.  At the next meeting, the Bishop of Salisbury, looking over the

work, suddenly sprang to his feet and said with considerable excitement: 

"Gentlemen, somebody has been razing 'Hell' here!"  Years afterward the

good prelate's death was made sweet by the reflection that he had been

the means (under Providence) of making an important, serviceable and

immortal addition to the phraseology of the English tongue.

HAG, n.  An elderly lady whom you do not happen to like; sometimes

called, also, a hen, or cat.  Old witches, sorceresses, etc., were

called hags from the belief that their heads were surrounded by a kind

of baleful lumination or nimbus -- hag being the popular name of that

peculiar electrical light sometimes observed in the hair.  At one time

hag was not a word of reproach:  Drayton speaks of a "beautiful hag, all

smiles," much as Shakespeare said, "sweet wench."  It would not now be

proper to call your sweetheart a hag -- that compliment is reserved for

the use of her grandchildren.

HALF, n.  One of two equal parts into which a thing may be divided, or

considered as divided.  In the fourteenth century a heated discussion

arose among theologists and philosophers as to whether Omniscience could

part an object into three halves; and the pious Father Aldrovinus

publicly prayed in the cathedral at Rouen that God would demonstrate the

affirmative of the proposition in some signal and unmistakable way, and

particularly (if it should please Him) upon the body of that hardy

blasphemer, Manutius Procinus, who maintained the negative.  Procinus,

however, was spared to die of the bite of a viper.

HALO, n.  Properly, a luminous ring encircling an astronomical body, but

not infrequently confounded with "aureola," or "nimbus," a somewhat

similar phenomenon worn as a head-dress by divinities and saints.  The

halo is a purely optical illusion, produced by moisture in the air, in

the manner of a rainbow; but the aureola is conferred as a sign of

superior sanctity, in the same way as a bishop's mitre, or the Pope's

tiara.  In the painting of the Nativity, by Szedgkin, a pious artist of

Pesth, not only do the Virgin and the Child wear the nimbus, but an ass

nibbling hay from the sacred manger is similarly decorated and, to his

lasting honor be it said, appears to bear his unaccustomed dignity with

a truly saintly grace.

HAND, n.  A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and

commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.

HANDKERCHIEF, n.  A small square of silk or linen, used in various

ignoble offices about the face and especially serviceable at funerals to

conceal the lack of tears.  The handkerchief is of recent invention; our

ancestors knew nothing of it and intrusted its duties to the sleeve. 

Shakespeare's introducing it into the play of "Othello" is an

anachronism:  Desdemona dried her nose with her skirt, as Dr. Mary

Walker and other reformers have done with their coattails in our own day

-- an evidence that revolutions sometimes go backward.

HANGMAN, n.  An officer of the law charged with duties of the highest

dignity and utmost gravity, and held in hereditary disesteem by a

populace having a criminal ancestry.  In some of the American States his

functions are now performed by an electrician, as in New Jersey, where

executions by electricity have recently been ordered -- the first

instance known to this lexicographer of anybody questioning the

expediency of hanging Jerseymen.

HAPPINESS, n.  An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the

misery of another.

HARANGUE, n.  A speech by an opponent, who is known as an harrangue-

outang.

HARBOR, n.  A place where ships taking shelter from stores are exposed

to the fury of the customs.

HARMONISTS, n.  A sect of Protestants, now extinct, who came from Europe

in the beginning of the last century and were distinguished for the

bitterness of their internal controversies and dissensions.

HASH, x.  There is no definition for this word -- nobody knows what hash

is.

HATCHET, n.  A young axe, known among Indians as a Thomashawk.

"O bury the hatchet, irascible Red, For peace is a blessing," the White

Man said. The Savage concurred, and that weapon interred, With imposing

rites, in the White Man's head.

John Lukkus

HATRED, n.  A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's

superiority.

HEAD-MONEY, n.  A capitation tax, or poll-tax.

In ancient times there lived a king Whose tax-collectors could not wring

From all his subjects gold enough To make the royal way less rough. For

pleasure's highway, like the dames Whose premises adjoin it, claims

Perpetual repairing.  So The tax-collectors in a row Appeared before the

throne to pray Their master to devise some way To swell the revenue. 

"So great," Said they, "are the demands of state A tithe of all that we

collect Will scarcely meet them.  Pray reflect: How, if one-tenth we

must resign, Can we exist on t'other nine?" The monarch asked them in

reply: "Has it occurred to you to try The advantage of economy?" "It

has," the spokesman said:  "we sold All of our gray garrotes of gold;

With plated-ware we now compress The necks of those whom we assess.

Plain iron forceps we employ To mitigate the miser's joy Who hoards,

with greed that never tires, That which your Majesty requires." Deep

lines of thought were seen to plow Their way across the royal brow.

"Your state is desperate, no question; Pray favor me with a suggestion."

"O King of Men," the spokesman said, "If you'll impose upon each head A

tax, the augmented revenue We'll cheerfully divide with you." As flashes

of the sun illume The parted storm-cloud's sullen gloom, The king smiled

grimly.  "I decree That it be so -- and, not to be In generosity

outdone, Declare you, each and every one, Exempted from the operation Of

this new law of capitation. But lest the people censure me Because

they're bound and you are free, 'Twere well some clever scheme were laid

By you this poll-tax to evade. I'll leave you now while you confer With

my most trusted minister." The monarch from the throne-room walked And

straightway in among them stalked A silent man, with brow concealed,

Bare-armed -- his gleaming axe revealed!

G.J.

HEARSE, n.  Death's baby-carriage.

HEART, n.  An automatic, muscular blood-pump.  Figuratively, this useful

organ is said to be the esat of emotions and sentiments -- a very pretty

fancy which, however, is nothing but a survival of a once universal

belief.  It is now known that the sentiments and emotions reside in the

stomach, being evolved from food by chemical action of the gastric

fluid.  The exact process by which a beefsteak becomes a feeling --

tender or not, according to the age of the animal from which it was cut;

the successive stages of elaboration through which a caviar sandwich is

transmuted to a quaint fancy and reappears as a pungent epigram; the

marvelous functional methods of converting a hard-boiled egg into

religious contrition, or a cream-puff into a sigh of sensibility --

these things have been patiently ascertained by M. Pasteur, and by him

expounded with convincing lucidity.  (See, also, my monograph, _The

Essential Identity of the Spiritual Affections and Certain Intestinal

Gases Freed in Digestion_ -- 4to, 687 pp.)  In a scientific work

entitled, I believe, _Delectatio Demonorum_ (John Camden Hotton, London,

1873) this view of the sentiments receives a striking illustration; and

for further light consult Professor Dam's famous treatise on _Love as a

Product of Alimentary Maceration_.

HEAT, n.

Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode Of motion, but I know now how

he's proving His point; but this I know -- hot words bestowed With skill

will set the human fist a-moving, And where it stops the stars burn free

and wild. _Crede expertum_ -- I have seen them, child.

Gorton Swope

HEATHEN, n.  A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something

that he can see and feel.  According to Professor Howison, of the

California State University, Hebrews are heathens.

"The Hebrews are heathens!" says Howison.  He's A Christian philosopher. 

I'm A scurril agnostical chap, if you please, Addicted too much to the

crime Of religious discussion in my rhyme.

Though Hebrew and Howison cannot agree On a _modus vivendi_ -- not they!

-- Yet Heaven has had the designing of me, And I haven't been reared in

a way To joy in the thick of the fray.

For this of my creed is the soul and the gist, And the truth of it I

aver: Who differs from me in his faith is an 'ist, And 'ite, an 'ie, or

an 'er -- And I'm down upon him or her!

Let Howison urge with perfunctory chin Toleration -- that's all very

well, But a roast is "nuts" to his nostril thin, And he's running -- I

know by the smell -- A secret and personal Hell!

Bissell Gip

HEAVEN, n.  A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk

of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you

expound your own.

HEBREW, n.  A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew, an altogether

superior creation.

HELPMATE, n.  A wife, or bitter half.

"Now, why is yer wife called a helpmate, Pat?" Says the priest.  "Since

the time 'o yer wooin' She's niver [sic] assisted in what ye were at --

For it's naught ye are ever doin'."

"That's true of yer Riverence [sic]," Patrick replies, And no sign of

contrition envices; "But, bedad, it's a fact which the word implies, For

she helps to mate the expinses [sic]!"

Marley Wottel

HEMP, n.  A plant from whose fibrous bark is made an article of neckwear

which is frequently put on after public speaking in the open air and

prevents the wearer from taking cold.

HERMIT, n.  A person whose vices and follies are not sociable.

HERS, pron.  His.

HIBERNATE, v.i.  To pass the winter season in domestic seclusion. There

have been many singular popular notions about the hibernation of various

animals.  Many believe that the bear hibernates during the whole winter

and subsists by mechanically sucking its paws.  It is admitted that it

comes out of its retirement in the spring so lean that it had to try

twice before it can cast a shadow.  Three or four centuries ago, in

England, no fact was better attested than that swallows passed the

winter months in the mud at the bottom of their brooks, clinging

together in globular masses.  They have apparently been compelled to

give up the custom and account of the foulness of the brooks.  Sotus

Ecobius discovered in Central Asia a whole nation of people who

hibernate.  By some investigators, the fasting of Lent is supposed to

have been originally a modified form of hibernation, to which the Church

gave a religious significance; but this view was strenuously opposed by

that eminent authority, Bishop Kip, who did not wish any honors denied

to the memory of the Founder of his family.

HIPPOGRIFF, n.  An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half

griffin.  The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half

eagle.  The hippogriff was actually, therefore, a one-quarter eagle,

which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold.  The study of zoology is

full of surprises.

HISTORIAN, n.  A broad-gauge gossip.

HISTORY, n.  An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant,

which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly

fools.

Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown 'Tis nine-tenths lying.  Faith,

I wish 'twere known, Ere we accept great Niebuhr as a guide, Wherein he

blundered and how much he lied.

Salder Bupp

HOG, n.  A bird remarkable for the catholicity of its appetite and

serving to illustrate that of ours.  Among the Mahometans and Jews, the

hog is not in favor as an article of diet, but is respected for the

delicacy and the melody of its voice.  It is chiefly as a songster that

the fowl is esteemed; the cage of him in full chorus has been known to

draw tears from two persons at once.  The scientific name of this

dicky-bird is _Porcus Rockefelleri_.  Mr. Rockefeller did not discover

the hog, but it is considered his by right of resemblance.

HOMOEOPATHIST, n.  The humorist of the medical profession.

HOMOEOPATHY, n.  A school of medicine midway between Allopathy and

Christian Science.  To the last both the others are distinctly inferior,

for Christian Science will cure imaginary diseases, and they can not.

HOMICIDE, n.  The slaying of one human being by another.  There are four

kinds of homocide:  felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy,

but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he fell by

one kind or another -- the classification is for advantage of the

lawyers.

HOMILETICS, n.  The science of adapting sermons to the spiritual needs,

capacities and conditions of the congregation.

So skilled the parson was in homiletics That all his normal purges and

emetics To medicine the spirit were compounded With a most just

discrimination founded Upon a rigorous examination Of tongue and pulse

and heart and respiration. Then, having diagnosed each one's condition,

His scriptural specifics this physician Administered -- his pills so

efficacious And pukes of disposition so vivacious That souls afflicted

with ten kinds of Adam Were convalescent ere they knew they had 'em. But

Slander's tongue -- itself all coated -- uttered Her bilious mind and

scandalously muttered That in the case of patients having money The

pills were sugar and the pukes were honey.

_Biography of Bishop Potter_

HONORABLE, adj.  Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach.  In

legislative bodies it is customary to mention all members as honorable;

as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."

HOPE, n.  Desire and expectation rolled into one.

Delicious Hope! when naught to man it left -- Of fortune destitute, of

friends bereft; When even his dog deserts him, and his goat With

tranquil disaffection chews his coat While yet it hangs upon his back;

then thou, The star far-flaming on thine angel brow, Descendest,

radiant, from the skies to hint The promise of a clerkship in the Mint.

Fogarty Weffing

HOSPITALITY, n.  The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain

persons who are not in need of food and lodging.

HOSTILITY, n.  A peculiarly sharp and specially applied sense of the

earth's overpopulation.  Hostility is classified as active and passive;

as (respectively) the feeling of a woman for her female friends, and

that which she entertains for all the rest of her sex.

HOURI, n.  A comely female inhabiting the Mohammedan Paradise to make

things cheery for the good Mussulman, whose belief in her existence

marks a noble discontent with his earthly spouse, whom he denies a soul. 

By that good lady the Houris are said to be held in deficient esteem.

HOUSE, n.  A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat,

mouse, beelte, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus and microbe.

_House of Correction_, a place of reward for political and personal

service, and for the detention of offenders and appropriations. _House

of God_, a building with a steeple and a mortgage on it. _House-dog_, a

pestilent beast kept on domestic premises to insult persons passing by

and appal the hardy visitor.  _House-maid_, a youngerly person of the

opposing sex employed to be variously disagreeable and ingeniously

unclean in the station in which it has pleased God to place her.

HOUSELESS, adj.  Having paid all taxes on household goods.

HOVEL, n.  The fruit of a flower called the Palace.

Twaddle had a hovel, Twiddle had a palace; Twaddle said:  "I'll grovel

Or he'll think I bear him malice" -- A sentiment as novel As a castor on

a chalice.

Down upon the middle Of his legs fell Twaddle And astonished Mr.

Twiddle, Who began to lift his noddle. Feed upon the fiddle- Faddle

flummery, unswaddle A new-born self-sufficiency and think himself a

[mockery.]

G.J.

HUMANITY, n.  The human race, collectively, exclusive of the anthropoid

poets.

HUMORIST, n.  A plague that would have softened down the hoar austerity

of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with his best

wishes, cat-quick.

Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind See jokes in crowds, though

still to gloom inclined -- Whose simple appetite, untaught to stray, His

brains, renewed by night, consumes by day. He thinks, admitted to an

equal sty, A graceful hog would bear his company.

Alexander Poke

HURRICANE, n.  An atmospheric demonstration once very common but now

generally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone.  The hurricane is still

in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certain

old-fashioned sea-captains.  It is also used in the construction of the

upper decks of steamboats, but generally speaking, the hurricane's

usefulness has outlasted it.

HURRY, n.  The dispatch of bunglers.

HUSBAND, n.  One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the

plate.

HYBRID, n.  A pooled issue.

HYDRA, n.  A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under many

heads.

HYENA, n.  A beast held in reverence by some oriental nations from its

habit of frequenting at night the burial-places of the dead.  But the

medical student does that.

HYPOCHONDRIASIS, n.  Depression of one's own spirits.

Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot Where long the village rubbish had

been shot Displayed a sign among the stuff and stumps --

"Hypochondriasis."  It meant The Dumps.

Bogul S. Purvy

HYPOCRITE, n.  One who, profession virtues that he does not respect

secures the advantage of seeming to be what he depises.

I

I is the first letter of the alphabet, the first word of the language,

the first thought of the mind, the first object of affection.  In

grammar it is a pronoun of the first person and singular number.  Its

plural is said to be _We_, but how there can be more than one myself is

doubtless clearer the grammarians than it is to the author of this

incomparable dictionary.  Conception of two myselfs is difficult, but

fine.  The frank yet graceful use of "I" distinguishes a good writer

from a bad; the latter carries it with the manner of a thief trying to

cloak his loot.

ICHOR, n.  A fluid that serves the gods and goddesses in place of blood.

Fair Venus, speared by Diomed, Restrained the raging chief and said:

"Behold, rash mortal, whom you've bled -- Your soul's stained white with

ichorshed!"

Mary Doke

ICONOCLAST, n.  A breaker of idols, the worshipers whereof are

imperfectly gratified by the performance, and most strenuously protest

that he unbuildeth but doth not reedify, that he pulleth down but pileth

not up.  For the poor things would have other idols in place of those he

thwacketh upon the mazzard and dispelleth.  But the iconoclast saith: 

"Ye shall have none at all, for ye need them not; and if the rebuilder

fooleth round hereabout, behold I will depress the head of him and sit

thereon till he squawk it."

IDIOT, n.  A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in

human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.  The Idiot's

activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but

"pervades and regulates the whole."  He has the last word in everything;

his decision is unappealable.  He sets the fashions and opinion of

taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with

a dead-line.

IDLENESS, n.  A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of new

sins and promotes the growth of staple vices.

IGNORAMUS, n.  A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge

familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know

nothing about.

Dumble was an ignoramus, Mumble was for learning famous. Mumble said one

day to Dumble: "Ignorance should be more humble. Not a spark have you of

knowledge That was got in any college." Dumble said to Mumble:  "Truly

You're self-satisfied unduly. Of things in college I'm denied A

knowledge -- you of all beside."

Borelli

ILLUMINATI, n.  A sect of Spanish heretics of the latter part of the

sixteenth century; so called because they were light weights --

_cunctationes illuminati_.

ILLUSTRIOUS, adj.  Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy and

detraction.

IMAGINATION, n.  A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint

ownership.

IMBECILITY, n.  A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire affecting

censorious critics of this dictionary.

IMMIGRANT, n.  An unenlightened person who thinks one country better

than another.

IMMODEST, adj.  Having a strong sense of one's own merit, coupled with a

feeble conception of worth in others.

There was once a man in Ispahan Ever and ever so long ago, And he had a

head, the phrenologists said, That fitted him for a show.

For his modesty's bump was so large a lump (Nature, they said, had taken

a freak) That its summit stood far above the wood Of his hair, like a

mountain peak.

So modest a man in all Ispahan, Over and over again they swore -- So

humble and meek, you would vainly seek; None ever was found before.

Meantime the hump of that awful bump Into the heavens contrived to get

To so great a height that they called the wight The man with the

minaret.

There wasn't a man in all Ispahan Prouder, or louder in praise of his

chump: With a tireless tongue and a brazen lung He bragged of that

beautiful bump

Till the Shah in a rage sent a trusty page Bearing a sack and a

bow-string too, And that gentle child explained as he smiled: "A little

present for you."

The saddest man in all Ispahan, Sniffed at the gift, yet accepted the

same. "If I'd lived," said he, "my humility Had given me deathless

fame!"

Sukker Uffro

IMMORAL, adj.  Inexpedient.  Whatever in the long run and with regard to

the greater number of instances men find to be generally inexpedient

comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral.  If man's notions of

right and wrong have any other basis than this of expediency; if they

originated, or could have originated, in any other way; if actions have

in themselves a moral character apart from, and nowise dependent on,

their consequences -- then all philosophy is a lie and reason a disorder

of the mind.

IMMORTALITY, n.

A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute,

contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to

die for.

G.J.

IMPALE, v.t.  In popular usage to pierce with any weapon which remains

fixed in the wound.  This, however, is inaccurate; to imaple is,

properly, to put to death by thrusting an upright sharp stake into the

body, the victim being left in a sitting position.  This was a common

mode of punishment among many of the nations of antiquity, and is still

in high favor in China and other parts of Asia.  Down to the beginning

of the fifteenth century it was widely employed in "churching" heretics

and schismatics.  Wolecraft calls it the "stoole of repentynge," and

among the common people it was jocularly known as "riding the one legged

horse."  Ludwig Salzmann informs us that in Thibet impalement is

considered the most appropriate punishment for crimes against religion;

and although in China it is sometimes awarded for secular offences, it

is most frequently adjudged in cases of sacrilege.  To the person in

actual experience of impalement it must be a matter of minor importance

by what kind of civil or religious dissent he was made acquainted with

its discomforts; but doubtless he would feel a certain satisfaction if

able to contemplate himself in the character of a weather-cock on the

spire of the True Church.

IMPARTIAL, adj.  Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage

from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two

conflicting opinions.

IMPENITENCE, n.  A state of mind intermediate in point of time between

sin and punishment.

IMPIETY, n.  Your irreverence toward my deity.

IMPOSITION, n.  The act of blessing or consecrating by the laying on of

hands -- a ceremony common to many ecclesiastical systems, but performed

with the frankest sincerity by the sect known as Thieves.

"Lo! by the laying on of hands," Say parson, priest and dervise, "We

consecrate your cash and lands To ecclesiastical service. No doubt

you'll swear till all is blue At such an imposition.  Do."

Pollo Doncas

IMPOSTOR n.  A rival aspirant to public honors.

IMPROBABILITY, n.

His tale he told with a solemn face And a tender, melancholy grace.

Improbable 'twas, no doubt, When you came to think it out, But the

fascinated crowd Their deep surprise avowed And all with a single voice

averred 'Twas the most amazing thing they'd heard -- All save one who

spake never a word, But sat as mum As if deaf and dumb, Serene,

indifferent and unstirred. Then all the others turned to him And

scrutinized him limb from limb -- Scanned him alive; But he seemed to

thrive And tranquiler grow each minute, As if there were nothing in it.

"What! what!" cried one, "are you not amazed At what our friend has

told?"  He raised Soberly then his eyes and gazed In a natural way And

proceeded to say, As he crossed his feet on the mantel-shelf: "O no --

not at all; I'm a liar myself."

IMPROVIDENCE, n.  Provision for the needs of to-day from the revenues of

to-morrow.

IMPUNITY, n.  Wealth.

INADMISSIBLE, adj.  Not competent to be considered.  Said of certain

kinds of testimony which juries are supposed to be unfit to be entrusted

with, and which judges, therefore, rule out, even of proceedings before

themselves alone.  Hearsay evidence is inadmissible because the person

quoted was unsworn and is not before the court for examination; yet most

momentous actions, military, political, commercial and of every other

kind, are daily undertaken on hearsay evidence.  There is no religion in

the world that has any other basis than hearsay evidence.  Revelation is

hearsay evidence; that the Scriptures are the word of God we have only

the testimony of men long dead whose identity is not clearly established

and who are not known to have been sworn in any sense.  Under the rules

of evidence as they now exist in this country, no single assertion in

the Bible has in its support any evidence admissible in a court of law. 

It cannot be proved that the battle of Blenheim ever was fought, that

there was such as person as Julius Caesar, such an empire as Assyria.

But as records of courts of justice are admissible, it can easily be

proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a

scourge to mankind.  The evidence (including confession) upon which

certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a

flaw; it is still unimpeachable.  The judges' decisions based on it were

sound in logic and in law.  Nothing in any existing court was ever more

thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which

so many suffered death.  If there were no witches, human testimony and

human reason are alike destitute of value.

INAUSPICIOUSLY, adv.  In an unpromising manner, the auspices being

unfavorable.  Among the Romans it was customary before undertaking any

important action or enterprise to obtain from the augurs, or state

prophets, some hint of its probable outcome; and one of their favorite

and most trustworthy modes of divination consisted in observing the

flight of birds -- the omens thence derived being called _auspices_.

Newspaper reporters and certain miscreant lexicographers have decided

that the word -- always in the plural -- shall mean "patronage" or

"management"; as, "The festivities were under the auspices of the

Ancient and Honorable Order of Body-Snatchers"; or, "The hilarities were

auspicated by the Knights of Hunger."

A Roman slave appeared one day Before the Augur.  "Tell me, pray, If --"

here the Augur, smiling, made A checking gesture and displayed His open

palm, which plainly itched, For visibly its surface twitched. A

_denarius_ (the Latin nickel) Successfully allayed the tickle, And then

the slave proceeded:  "Please Inform me whether Fate decrees Success or

failure in what I To-night (if it be dark) shall try. Its nature?  Never

mind -- I think 'Tis writ on this" -- and with a wink Which darkened

half the earth, he drew Another denarius to view, Its shining face

attentive scanned, Then slipped it into the good man's hand, Who with

great gravity said:  "Wait While I retire to question Fate." That holy

person then withdrew His scared clay and, passing through The temple's

rearward gate, cried "Shoo!" Waving his robe of office.  Straight Each

sacred peacock and its mate (Maintained for Juno's favor) fled With

clamor from the trees o'erhead, Where they were perching for the night.

The temple's roof received their flight, For thither they would always

go, When danger threatened them below. Back to the slave the Augur went:

"My son, forecasting the event By flight of birds, I must confess The

auspices deny success." That slave retired, a sadder man, Abandoning his

secret plan -- Which was (as well the craft seer Had from the first

divined) to clear The wall and fraudulently seize On Juno's poultry in

the trees.

G.J.

INCOME, n.  The natural and rational gauge and measure of

respectability, the commonly accepted standards being artificial,

arbitrary and fallacious; for, as "Sir Sycophas Chrysolater" in the play

has justly remarked, "the true use and function of property (in

whatsoever it consisteth -- coins, or land, or houses, or merchant-

stuff, or anything which may be named as holden of right to one's own

subservience) as also of honors, titles, preferments and place, and all

favor and acquaintance of persons of quality or ableness, are but to get

money.  Hence it followeth that all things are truly to be rated as of

worth in measure of their serviceableness to that end; and their

possessors should take rank in agreement thereto, neither the lord of an

unproducing manor, howsoever broad and ancient, nor he who bears an

unremunerate dignity, nor yet the pauper favorite of a king, being

esteemed of level excellency with him whose riches are of daily

accretion; and hardly should they whose wealth is barren claim and

rightly take more honor than the poor and unworthy."

INCOMPATIBILITY, n.  In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly

the taste for domination.  Incompatibility may, however, consist of a

meek-eyed matron living just around the corner.  It has even been known

to wear a moustache.

INCOMPOSSIBLE, adj.  Unable to exist if something else exists.  Two

things are incompossible when the world of being has scope enough for

one of them, but not enough for both -- as Walt Whitman's poetry and

God's mercy to man.  Incompossibility, it will be seen, is only

incompatibility let loose.  Instead of such low language as "Go heel

yourself -- I mean to kill you on sight," the words, "Sir, we are

incompossible," would convey and equally significant intimation and in

stately courtesy are altogether superior.

INCUBUS, n.  One of a race of highly improper demons who, though

probably not wholly extinct, may be said to have seen their best nights. 

For a complete account of _incubi_ and _succubi_, including _incubae_

and _succubae_, see the _Liber Demonorum_ of Protassus (Paris, 1328),

which contains much curious information that would be out of place in a

dictionary intended as a text-book for the public schools. Victor Hugo

relates that in the Channel Islands Satan himself -- tempted more than

elsewhere by the beauty of the women, doubtless -- sometimes plays at

_incubus_, greatly to the inconvenience and alarm of the good dames who

wish to be loyal to their marriage vows, generally speaking.  A certain

lady applied to the parish priest to learn how they might, in the dark,

distinguish the hardy intruder from their husbands.  The holy man said

they must feel his brown for horns; but Hugo is ungallant enough to hint

a doubt of the efficacy of the test.

INCUMBENT, n.  A person of the liveliest interest to the outcumbents.

INDECISION, n.  The chief element of success; "for whereas," saith Sir

Thomas Brewbold, "there is but one way to do nothing and divers way to

do something, whereof, to a surety, only one is the right way, it

followeth that he who from indecision standeth still hath not so many

chances of going astray as he who pusheth forwards" -- a most clear and

satisfactory exposition on the matter. "Your prompt decision to attack,"

said Genera Grant on a certain occasion to General Gordon Granger, "was

admirable; you had but five minutes to make up your mind in." "Yes,

sir," answered the victorious subordinate, "it is a great thing to be

know exactly what to do in an emergency.  When in doubt whether to

attack or retreat I never hesitate a moment -- I toss us a copper." "Do

you mean to say that's what you did this time?" "Yes, General; but for

Heaven's sake don't reprimand me:  I disobeyed the coin."

INDIFFERENT, adj.  Imperfectly sensible to distinctions among things.

"You tiresome man!" cried Indolentio's wife, "You've grown indifferent

to all in life." "Indifferent?" he drawled with a slow smile; "I would

be, dear, but it is not worth while."

Apuleius M. Gokul

INDIGESTION, n.  A disease which the patient and his friends frequently

mistake for deep religious conviction and concern for the salvation of

mankind.  As the simple Red Man of the western wild put it, with, it

must be confessed, a certain force:  "Plenty well, no pray; big

bellyache, heap God."

INDISCRETION, n.  The guilt of woman.

INEXPEDIENT, adj.  Not calculated to advance one's interests.

INFANCY, n.  The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth,

"Heaven lies about us."  The world begins lying about us pretty soon

afterward.

INFERIAE,n.  [Latin]  Among the Greeks and Romans, sacrifices for

propitation of the _Dii Manes_, or souls of the dead heroes; for the

pious ancients could not invent enough gods to satisfy their spiritual

needs, and had to have a number of makeshift deities, or, as a sailor

might say, jury-gods, which they made out of the most unpromising

materials.  It was while sacrificing a bullock to the spirit of

Agamemnon that Laiaides, a priest of Aulis, was favored with an audience

of that illustrious warrior's shade, who prophetically recounted to him

the birth of Christ and the triumph of Christianity, giving him also a

rapid but tolerably complete review of events down to the reign of Saint

Louis.  The narrative ended abruptly at the point, owing to the

inconsiderate crowing of a cock, which compelled the ghosted King of Men

to scamper back to Hades.  There is a fine mediaeval flavor to this

story, and as it has not been traced back further than Pere Brateille, a

pious but obscure writer at the court of Saint Louis, we shall probably

not err on the side of presumption in considering it apocryphal, though

Monsignor Capel's judgment of the matter might be different; and to that

I bow -- wow.

INFIDEL, n.  In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian

religion; in Constantinople, one who does.  (See GIAOUR.)  A kind of

scoundrel imperfectly reverent of, and niggardly contributory to,

divines, ecclesiastics, popes, parsons, canons, monks, mollahs, voodoos,

presbyters, hierophants, prelates, obeah-men, abbes, nuns, missionaries,

exhorters, deacons, friars, hadjis, high-priests, muezzins, brahmins,

medicine-men, confessors, eminences, elders, primates, prebendaries,

pilgrims, prophets, imaums, beneficiaries, clerks, vicars-choral,

archbishops, bishops, abbots, priors, preachers, padres, abbotesses,

caloyers, palmers, curates, patriarchs, bonezs, santons, beadsmen,

canonesses, residentiaries, diocesans, deans, subdeans, rural deans,

abdals, charm-sellers, archdeacons, hierarchs, class-leaders,

incumbents, capitulars, sheiks, talapoins, postulants, scribes, gooroos,

precentors, beadles, fakeers, sextons, reverences, revivalists,

cenobites, perpetual curates, chaplains, mudjoes, readers, novices,

vicars, pastors, rabbis, ulemas, lamas, sacristans, vergers, dervises,

lectors, church wardens, cardinals, prioresses, suffragans, acolytes,

rectors, cures, sophis, mutifs and pumpums.

INFLUENCE, n.  In politics, a visionary _quo_ given in exchange for a

substantial _quid_.

INFALAPSARIAN, n.  One who ventures to believe that Adam need not have

sinned unless he had a mind to -- in opposition to the Supralapsarians,

who hold that that luckless person's fall was decreed from the

beginning.  Infralapsarians are sometimes called Sublapsarians without

material effect upon the importance and lucidity of their views about

Adam.

Two theologues once, as they wended their way To chapel, engaged in

colloquial fray -- An earnest logomachy, bitter as gall, Concerning poor

Adam and what made him fall. "'Twas Predestination," cried one -- "for

the Lord Decreed he should fall of his own accord." "Not so -- 'twas

Free will," the other maintained, "Which led him to choose what the Lord

had ordained." So fierce and so fiery grew the debate That nothing but

bloodshed their dudgeon could sate; So off flew their cassocks and caps

to the ground And, moved by the spirit, their hands went round. Ere

either had proved his theology right By winning, or even beginning, the

fight, A gray old professor of Latin came by, A staff in his hand and a

scowl in his eye, And learning the cause of their quarrel (for still As

they clumsily sparred they disputed with skill Of foreordination freedom

of will) Cried:  "Sirrahs! this reasonless warfare compose: Atwixt ye's

no difference worthy of blows. The sects ye belong to -- I'm ready to

swear Ye wrongly interpret the names that they bear. _You_ --

Infralapsarian son of a clown! -- Should only contend that Adam slipped

down; While _you_ -- you Supralapsarian pup! -- Should nothing aver but

that Adam slipped up. It's all the same whether up or down You slip on a

peel of banana brown. Even Adam analyzed not his blunder, But thought he

had slipped on a peal of thunder!

G.J.

INGRATE, n.  One who receives a benefit from another, or is otherwise an

object of charity.

"All men are ingrates," sneered the cynic.  "Nay," The good

philanthropist replied; "I did great service to a man one day Who never

since has cursed me to repay, Nor vilified."

"Ho!" cried the cynic, "lead me to him straight -- With veneration I am

overcome, And fain would have his blessing."  "Sad your fate -- He

cannot bless you, for AI grieve to state This man is dumb."

Ariel Selp

INJURY, n.  An offense next in degree of enormity to a slight.

INJUSTICE, n.  A burden which of all those that we load upon others and

carry ourselves is lightest in the hands and heaviest upon the back.

INK, n.  A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic and

water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote

intellectual crime.  The properties of ink are peculiar and

contradictory:  it may be used to make reputations and unmake them; to

blacken them and to make them white; but it is most generally and

acceptably employed as a mortar to bind together the stones of an

edifice of fame, and as a whitewash to conceal afterward the rascal

quality of the material.  There are men called journalists who have

established ink baths which some persons pay money to get into, others

to get out of.  Not infrequently it occurs that a person who has paid to

get in pays twice as much to get out.

INNATE, adj.  Natural, inherent -- as innate ideas, that is to say,

ideas that we are born with, having had them previously imparted to us. 

The doctrine of innate ideas is one of the most admirable faiths of

philosophy, being itself an innate idea and therefore inaccessible to

disproof, though Locke foolishly supposed himself to have given it "a

black eye."  Among innate ideas may be mentioned the belief in one's

ability to conduct a newspaper, in the greatness of one's country, in

the superiority of one's civilization, in the importance of one's

personal affairs and in the interesting nature of one's diseases.

IN'ARDS, n.  The stomach, heart, soul and other bowels.  Many eminent

investigators do not class the soul as an in'ard, but that acute

observer and renowned authority, Dr. Gunsaulus, is persuaded that the

mysterious organ known as the spleen is nothing less than our important

part.  To the contrary, Professor Garrett P. Servis holds that man's

soul is that prolongation of his spinal marrow which forms the pith of

his no tail; and for demonstration of his faith points confidently to

the fact that no tailed animals have no souls. Concerning these two

theories, it is best to suspend judgment by believing both.

INSCRIPTION, n.  Something written on another thing.  Inscriptions are

of many kinds, but mostly memorial, intended to commemorate the fame of

some illustrious person and hand down to distant ages the record of his

services and virtues.  To this class of inscriptions belongs the name of

John Smith, penciled on the Washington monument.  Following are examples

of memorial inscriptions on tombstones:  (See EPITAPH.)

"In the sky my soul is found, And my body in the ground. By and by my

body'll rise To my spirit in the skies, Soaring up to Heaven's gate.

1878."

"Sacred to the memory of Jeremiah Tree.  Cut down May 9th, 1862, aged 27

yrs. 4 mos. and 12 ds.  Indigenous."

"Affliction sore long time she boar, Phisicians was in vain, Till Deth

released the dear deceased And left her a remain. Gone to join Ananias

in the regions of bliss."

"The clay that rests beneath this stone As Silas Wood was widely known.

Now, lying here, I ask what good It was to let me be S. Wood. O Man, let

not ambition trouble you, Is the advice of Silas W."

"Richard Haymon, of Heaven.  Fell to Earth Jan. 20, 1807, and had the

dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874."

INSECTIVORA, n.

"See," cries the chorus of admiring preachers, "How Providence provides

for all His creatures!" "His care," the gnat said, "even the insects

follows: For us He has provided wrens and swallows."

Sempen Railey

INSURANCE, n.  An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is

permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man

who keeps the table.

INSURANCE AGENT:  My dear sir, that is a fine house -- pray let me

insure it. HOUSE OWNER:  With pleasure.  Please make the annual premium

so low that by the time when, according to the tables of your actuary,

it will probably be destroyed by fire I will have paid you considerably

less than the face of the policy. INSURANCE AGENT:  O dear, no -- we

could not afford to do that. We must fix the premium so that you will

have paid more. HOUSE OWNER:  How, then, can _I_ afford _that_?

INSURANCE AGENT:  Why, your house may burn down at any time. There was

Smith's house, for example, which -- HOUSE OWNER:  Spare me -- there

were Brown's house, on the contrary, and Jones's house, and Robinson's

house, which -- INSURANCE AGENT:  Spare _me_! HOUSE OWNER:  Let us

understand each other.  You want me to pay you money on the supposition

that something will occur previously to the time set by yourself for its

occurrence.  In other words, you expect me to bet that my house will not

last so long as you say that it will probably last. INSURANCE AGENT: 

But if your house burns without insurance it will be a total loss. HOUSE

OWNER:  Beg your pardon -- by your own actuary's tables I shall probably

have saved, when it burns, all the premiums I would otherwise have paid

to you -- amounting to more than the face of the policy they would have

bought.  But suppose it to burn, uninsured, before the time upon which

your figures are based.  If I could not afford that, how could you if it

were insured? INSURANCE AGENT:  O, we should make ourselves whole from

our luckier ventures with other clients.  Virtually, they pay your loss.

HOUSE OWNER:  And virtually, then, don't I help to pay their losses? 

Are not their houses as likely as mine to burn before they have paid you

as much as you must pay them?  The case stands this way:  you expect to

take more money from your clients than you pay to them, do you not?

INSURANCE AGENT:  Certainly; if we did not -- HOUSE OWNER:  I would not

trust you with my money.  Very well then.  If it is _certain_, with

reference to the whole body of your clients, that they lose money on you

it is _probable_, with reference to any one of them, that _he_ will.  It

is these individual probabilities that make the aggregate certainty.

INSURANCE AGENT:  I will not deny it -- but look at the figures in this

pamph -- HOUSE OWNER:  Heaven forbid! INSURANCE AGENT:  You spoke of

saving the premiums which you would otherwise pay to me.  Will you not

be more likely to squander them?  We offer you an incentive to thrift.

HOUSE OWNER:  The willingness of A to take care of B's money is not

peculiar to insurance, but as a charitable institution you command

esteem.  Deign to accept its expression from a Deserving Object.

INSURRECTION, n.  An unsuccessful revolution.  Disaffection's failure to

substitute misrule for bad government.

INTENTION, n.  The mind's sense of the prevalence of one set of

influences over another set; an effect whose cause is the imminence,

immediate or remote, of the performance of an involuntary act.

INTERPRETER, n.  One who enables two persons of different languages to

understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to

the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.

INTERREGNUM, n.  The period during which a monarchical country is

governed by a warm spot on the cushion of the throne.  The experiment of

letting the spot grow cold has commonly been attended by most unhappy

results from the zeal of many worthy persons to make it warm again.

INTIMACY, n.  A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for

their mutual destruction.

Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue And one in white, together drew And

having each a pleasant sense Of t'other powder's excellence, Forsook

their jackets for the snug Enjoyment of a common mug. So close their

intimacy grew One paper would have held the two. To confidences straight

they fell, Less anxious each to hear than tell; Then each remorsefully

confessed To all the virtues he possessed, Acknowledging he had them in

So high degree it was a sin. The more they said, the more they felt

Their spirits with emotion melt, Till tears of sentiment expressed Their

feelings.  Then they effervesced! So Nature executes her feats Of wrath

on friends and sympathetes The good old rule who don't apply, That you

are you and I am I.

INTRODUCTION, n.  A social ceremony invented by the devil for the

gratification of his servants and the plaguing of his enemies.  The

introduction attains its most malevolent development in this century,

being, indeed, closely related to our political system.  Every American

being the equal of every other American, it follows that everybody has

the right to know everybody else, which implies the right to introduce

without request or permission.  The Declaration of Independence should

have read thus:

"We hold these truths to be self-evident:  that all men are created

equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable

rights; that among these are life, and the right to make that of another

miserable by thrusting upon him an incalculable quantity of

acquaintances; liberty, particularly the liberty to